Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[Broken74]

So it's time for the 4th quarter push for me. 4 months and 8 days until the eligible filing date.

I had a good dialogue with one of my mentors yesterday and he really helped me out:

From my mentor:

I was thinking this afternoon. A rare occurrence.

What you described fits exactly the purpose of the law to require a year of separation before a divorce is final.

The purpose of the separation is to allow the husband and wife enough time to see if they can reconcile.

The things that you are doing for your wife and step children fit perfectly with the intent of the law.

No matter what the outcome is at the end of the year (or whatever time it turns out to be), you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and say "I gave it my best shot. I didn't give up on the possibility of saving our marriage."

It also seems to me that if you didn't do what you feel is right and the marriage ends, you might end up kicking yourself for not doing the things that you are doing.

I am not trying to give you advice, but just some insight to what may be going on "behind the scenes of your emotions and logic".

When God turns us into a caring critter instead of a self serving CAD, a lot of things happen that don't seem logical or normal. Maybe that is at work, too.

My response:

The thing that I am having a hard time getting my head around is, given everything that she has done and given the way she has treaded me in spite of the things I've done, is logically why am I even trying anymore. I have forgiven her in my heart but regardless of that I have not been able to forget and when she hurts me I bring up her wrongdoings which I have to stop doing, especially since I say I have forgiven her.

Either of us is eligible to file for divorce on August 27th. I've decided today that I'm going to put the amount of her car payment into a 529k for the kids up to the point if and when she decides to officially file the divorce. I can afford to do it, and I know that she loves her kids more than she loves herself so I can't think of any better way to show the sincerity of my heart since she has no desire to spend time with me.

Then the fact that I am involved with other women complicates matters. I originally started things up as a way to try and make my wife jealous to no avail, and now I am starting to have feelings when I should be concentrating on our marriage. I am really trying to live right but am still failing in a myriad of ways. I pray everyday for my wifes heart to change and have been since this started to no avail. I still go the Lambs Chapel in XXX for both Sunday services usually hoping that she and the kids will eventually show up there also to no avail thusfar.

I've been dealing with this personal hell for basically 8 months so I can certainly make it another 4. And you're right, I can honestly say that I've done everything that I could do, regardless of what happens. I know I'll be fine and eventually happy either way.

Mentor's response:

I guess from my own experience, forgiving and forgetting are two different sides of the same coin.

I suspect it will be extremely difficult to ever forget the things that happened. Forgiving them means you are not "holding her hostage" or "trying to get back at her" or "trying to get her to live or be a certain way". The scars from bad behavior are permanent. The importance of the event can diminish over time but the memory probably will remain.

Part of forgiving and accepting what happened, may be the aspect of "can I trust her in the future to not do the same things?"

It is all pretty complicated. The 8 months you can gone through is proof of the complexity.

So in summary, this is my final game plan:

1) Back to LRT/no contact unless she initiates and NO REACTIONS/WALK AWAY when she pushes my buttons. I have yet to be successful in the latter.
2) Prove my forgiveness by NEVER BRINGING UP HER PAST INDESCRETIONS AGAIN.
3) I am contributing $400 a month into my stepchildrens 529k's with no expectations. I am still married, they are still my stepkids, I love them and I am happy to do this out of the kindness of my heart with no expectations. I set W up as the administrator of the plans which proves my sincerity in this action.
4) I GAL everyday I basically have no free or idle time. Work is going well, golf leagues and basketball are in effect, and I catch up with friends on a daily basis. I have female companionship if desired although I have decided I am going to tone that down to see how this last scene plays out.

I know I am not still fully detached because of my reactions on Monday. Still working on that piece. I can't think of any better way to show my unconditional love for them by trying to help with my stepchildrens future. I know she loves them more than she does herself, so I am bypassing her and projecting my unconditional love straight to them with no expectations. I can't think of anything else I can do since she still is cold toward talking/seeing me or allowing me to spend time with the kids.

I know I am going to be ok either way, and I am prepared to served papers in August. I can go to sleep at night knowing that I've left it all on the floor and did the best I could to save my marriage.

Can anybody think of a better plan or have constructive feedback on this approach?

Thanks in advance for any feedback and good luck to all of you in your respective sitch's!