WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake

[workinghardguy]

So I had an interesting conversation with someone last night. They asked how things were going and how I was doing. Asked if there was any movement or "thawing" on my W's behalf. I said I really didn't know. Things don't seem all that different, though these push/pull behavior keep happening. That my W still seems confused and lost, not just about our M but about everything.

Then this person asked if I had started dating or looking to date. I said no, not really. And then they replied "oh, still waiting around for her, huh?"

And that's what made me start thinking. I don't know if I am waiting around for her. My visceral reaction was no. I replied that I've certainly toyed with the idea, but any time I look at a personals site or flirt back with anyone I just get... tired. This overwhelming sense of exhaustion comes over me. Like.. I just don't have the energy to do it.

I told this person that I'm just working on being a single dad, a single stepdadish person, and a single guy. Quite frankly that's enough right now. Most days I pass out at the end of the day from everything and the stress.

But the comment has nagged at me all day. Am I waiting for her? I mean I guess I am, right? Is the absence of dating or looking for the next relationship equal waiting? Is that the default?

I do want my W back, with conditions. I'm not ready to shut the hatch and blast off. Maybe if we didn't have a S together I would be ready to do that, but I know how badly my S wants his mom and dad together. He's doing well, very well all things considered, but that doesn't mean he likes it or doesn't want his family back together.

So it still eats at me. I feel like if I truly am waiting then that's not a good place to be. It allows her to be in the driver's seat. But I also don't know that I agree with the concept that not actively seeking the next relationship equates into waiting for the last one to reconcile.