Thanks for your concern, guys. I'll talk to my IC about it. It's not to the point where I'm extremely concerned about it (it's weird... it's like there are two people inside me. The T me, and the me-me. The T me sees when there is major cause for concern. It's not there yet, but we're approaching a line that needs to be dealt with in a more serious manner). I promise I will call my doctor by the end of the month if I'm still having these thoughts (I'd really rather not up my medication if possible).
I like the idea of setting a time limit on my anger. I've never viewed it that way before. I forget who brought it up (25, maybe?), but someone asked how my mother dealt with my father's affair and the resulting divorce. Not well. Not well at all. Forgiveness is not her forte. My father is one of the most forgiving people on the planet. My mother is not. She's gotten a lot better, but even now, more than 10 years later, every now and then something will crop up where I think "really? you're still pissed about that?" So, yeah, never really had a good example of how to get over something like that (not that it's an excuse, but someone asked, so there's the answer). 10 years is a LONG time to be pissed off. And then I think of my aunt, who's in her 70s, and I swear she is more angry with my grandmother (who, to my aunt's credit, was a terrible mother and a real looney) now that she's dead (and been dead since 2006) than she was when she was alive. She's still pissed about things that happened when she was a teenager. 50+ years is a REALLY LONG time to be pissed off. There are better things to do with one's time...
I'm not sure what a good time limit is. There's a part of me that fears that once I've given up my anger, and I've come to terms with it, that I will find something new, something worse, and then I will be retraumatized all over again. I almost think it's better to already be in a bad place and hear more bad news and already be in that "well, this situation just generally blows" mindset rather than get my hopes up that this relationship is back on track and have it all blown out of the water again.
Is it unrealistic to set my anger timeline on an event rather than a date? Like, for example, I've never said I wanted baby number 2 at a certain time or a certain date. For me, it's about a milestone (D1 has to be potty trained and follow really basic 1 step instructions reliably). If I had to put an amount of time on how angry I'll be about the stuff that has already happened, I'll say a month. For clarity, we'll say D's birthday. HOWEVER, what do I do when NEW things piss me off (for example, him saying in the past 2 weeks that these past few months were "just trying" and not the real deal)? Because I feel like every time I'm starting to get to the end of being angry, he does some new dumba$$ thing again and then I'm retriggered.
There's been a nice moment of clarity out of all of this recent episode. I've decided that I sincerely do not care where H is or what he is doing or who he is with. If he cheats on me again (emotional, physical or otherwise), I'm done. Out. Finished. And seeing as my whole freaking life is observing behavior, I think I'll know pretty darn quick when something is fishy. And then it won't be hard to find out. And then I'll be done. So it's nice to know that if this situation occurs again, I don't have the whole "oh my God what do I do with this information" aspect to it. I already know. I'll be out.
H tried to complain about some trivial BS last night. I fixed his complaints within an hour and then he was like, "well... that's great... and... thanks for that...." and realized he didn't have a leg to stand on. After D went to bed I said, "I'd like to run some errands without her. I'm going to the grocery store" and then stayed out for 2 hours. I mean, I did run errands, and it was easier without D, but really it was just to be alone and without any time limits or real responsibilities.
I'm not wearing my wedding ring. I purposefully put it next to his cologne. This is kind of big for me. I wore a ring through everything last year. As a sign of me not giving up. I'm trying to make a very strong statement that I am not ok at all with his current actions. He is aware of me not wearing it.
I've not told him I love him in several days. It's not been hard. Not like it was last year.
I don't know how he feels. I try not to concern himself too much with it. I know if I were him, I'd be thinking "she's giving me mixed signals... she takes care of things she knows I care about, but then she doesn't tell me she loves me, and she doesn't wear her ring". Really, I'm uninterested in helping more with keeping the marriage a float until he does the following things:
1. Get a physical with testosterone levels. 2. Take those additional personality tests that our MC recommended 3. Start seeing an IC again. 4. Give me real, measurable, objective goals for finances and health.
Until then, I'm just going to do my thing the best I can. I have a draft for my thesis due tomorrow (which is SO not ready). I have an ARD for a student on Monday (which is SO not ready). We're still living out of boxes and I need to start figuring out what I'm doing for D's birthday. We're supposed to notify our apt in 2 weeks if we plan to stay longer or move out. That can be H's decision. I'm not making that call.
So on to something better... my D. :-) She's sassy and smart, but very sweet. Very happy. She's got strawberry blonde hair and steel blue eyes. She's been taking steps since Valentine's, but only in the past 3 weeks has she really taken off. She knows about 15 words, and some really easy sign language (more, finished, no, potty). She sprouted 4 teeth this weekend (which was a relief... up to that point she only had 1!). She's an excellent sleeper still and loves ALL food except for avocados. She even loves pickles and mustard! She's dramatic. When she's disappointed she throws her head back and arches her back with her arms up to fall to the ground and wails. I ignore her and then she quickly recovers. She screams with delight when she sees stuffed animals (she thought the Easter bunny was the best thing EVER). And she insists on sneaking French kisses from the dog when she thinks I'm not looking. She only watches PBS for TV and LOVES Sesame Street, so I think I'm going to do that as the theme for her birthday party. I think she'll love it.
Alright, I better work on that draft that will so not be ready by tomorrow....
