Being thankful and praying

[angel61]

Hi everyone.

Its been quite some time (2 months almost!)since I have posted in my thread, so I am here to give an update. I had some distressing times and had to stay away for a while (although I kept reading and in some cases, commenting on other people's posts), while I sorted myself out. I'm OK now, and am on my journey again (sort of like a detour though) but picking up more wisdom as I go along.....

My last post was when H went to OW's home country. Let me start with his coming back (and I may divide my posts into parts, as they may be long)

Part I. OW strikes again! OW went on a date with H's boss. H did not know and just learned when she showed up at their hotel. The next day, H and OW had lunch together.

No wonder, when H came back he was out of sorts. I was not going to ask, but when I went back to our routine of praying and reading the Love Dare, he was so uninterested and even complaining about it that it made me lose my resolve and asked him what was wrong. Our discussion rapidly spiraled down, wih H dodging my questions, making me feel that he was changing in his resolve to reconcile, until I asked the dreaded question: Did you see OW? and got the dreaded answer.

I was angry. All the bad feelings came back again. H was protesting that they talked about work, etc, but really - just the two of them? why not bring the other two people involved in it? She's not really hired yet, what do they need to talk about?

I snooped a bit and saw a fragment of an email from OW saying "that is such a beautful story...." - obviously not work.

I felt that OW was making a play at making H jealous by dating his boss. H told me that he did not even let her know that he was going to be there. The boss also had his eye on her even before so maybe he called her up. But obviously that encounter shook him up. Whe I looked at our phone records, I saw that H first texted OW the morning of the next day after she dated Boss.

Instead of being reassuring in our ensuing discussion, H was obviously unsure again, I told him that if he wasn't really going to work for our M, then he just let me know and we should just call it quits.

Of course, whenever we come to that point, H just could not committ. To anything, for that matter. He was just all "I could not make that decision, because I don't know. If you want that, it is YOUR decision." Of course, throwing it back at me.

I just shut down after that for the next few days. Cried to death, felt so depressed. It seems like the closer you are to an R, the harder you fall. I think thats what makes piecing harder. The ups and downs are more acutely felt.

I prayed for guidance.

And I did get my answers.... I got emails from some of the Christian sites I am subscribing to that were so appropriate.

One that really struck me was one about praying with your hands off.

It made me realize that truly, I was taking God's work into my hands again. I had to step away.

After 3 days, I decided to stop and not let anything matter. I put away all our prayer books, the R books we were reading together. I resolved to stop any form of pushing, even the things we learned at Retrouvaille.

I realized that I had started expecting again. I realized that I had stopped DBing in many ways. That even my resolve to put away the anger and resentment, and to truly forgive, had all flown out of the window. I was way off the track I had set for myself.

Slowly, I got back.

I realized my H is not ready yet. He may have started turning, but only started.

I have to draw on more patience.

To be continued......