Okay I am ready for the good days again. Having another bad day. H and I went over paperwork for D. He is so ready for this and it hurts. It hurts beyond anything I have ever felt in my life except for when my father passed away. It feels like he is turning me in for a newer model. I know I should not empower the other woman (girl) but I can't help it. My pride is really taking a beating here.
Went to my doctor last night to let her know what is going on. She gave me a RX for something for depression/anxiety. The pharmacy was very far behind so I wasn't able to pick it up last night so I will start today. At this point anything will help.
Another appointment with the counselor today. Seriously this has not even really begun yet and I don't know how I am going to pull through this in one piece. H seems to have his act together. I try to not let it bother me, but my skin is thin. I feel like confronting him but I don't think it will help our relationship at all. But I feel like I am going to explode.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
WH, I'm sorry, I can really feel your pain. It's so sad to read these stories when one party is still devoted to the M, and the other is walking away seemingly unaffected. I hope the Rx helps. Sometimes it's just enough to take the edge off and let you think clearly and stop obsessing 24/7.
I did want to throw in on this, but take it as you will. It might not mean anything to you, but there were several questions posted re: "What gets me mad... Is that everyone has marital issues, if one person is unhappy they have the responsibility to tell the other person they are unhappy and seek MC together. You don't wake up one day, declare its over and say you are done trying." Well I can't speak for your H, but I might be able to give some insight to the other side of things.
As the WAW, I did exactly as you're suggesting spouses should do. I told my H I had serious issues, that I was concerned that we were going to end up D'd, that I couldn't sustain the M the way things were, and that really the only thing keeping me with him was our S. We went to counseling, we got good advice, H acknowledged and promised to address my issues.
The problem is that he never did. He was great at promising but never delivered. When I continued to bring the issues up, with the added bonus of the fact that he wasn't keeping his promise, then I became the problem because I was always "criticizing him and nagging." He condemned me endlessly for bringing up the "D" word. He told his family and turned them all against me.
So when I look back, I think to myself that it would have been soooo much better if I had never said anything, saved the thousands of dollars we spent on counselors, invested in myself rather than the R, and quietly planned my exit strategy. I would actually be better off today if I had. If only I had not had so much faith in my H's promises, and the belief that he wanted to improve things as much as I did, I would have. The problem is that the R wasn't bad for him. The R was very one-sided and he was getting what he wanted from it. I'm the only one that wasn't happy, so he had no incentive to change anything.
I guess I'm just suggesting that perhaps your H felt that he had tried before, but you didn't listen. Maybe it was just one or two little (albeit important) things that he addressed with you that you didn't satisfy. I was just more resilient than most (or stupid, if you consider how many second changes I gave my H.) Not everyone is. I think this question is something you might want to answer for yourself, because it might need to be part of your 180's.
It is possible that the incident with the checkbook was simply crazy-making, or it could have been the manifestation of a deeper issue he has with you. Is this something you've argued about in the past? Specifically the checkbook, or the microwave, or communication in general? Is there a trigger related to you?
Also, I read this somewhere and keep in on a post-it on my laptop. I think it says it all. Perhaps it will give you some peace about "why?" and you can focus on "what next?" (You'll have to flip the gender, of course.)
Quote:
When a spouse walks away, it isn't usually a spur of the moment decision. The groundwork for her desire to be out of the relationship was laid bit by bit over many years.
She started out trusting you and believing in you. She started out knowing that you would love her and desire her presence in your life.
As the years went by and she found out time and again that what she believed was in fact not true...well...it changes people inside. She didn't wake up one morning and decide to go. She talked herself in to this being her only suitable response to life with you.
Thank you for taking the time to read my sitch. It's good to have another perspective and I appreciate your feedback. And while I do admit I had my share of "wrongdoings" in the marriage, I don't think I was quite the devil H tried to make me out to be.
He never once suggested counseling and never once led me to believe he was so unhappy with things he was even considering a D. I really felt like the rug was pulled from underneath me.
I can perhaps accept how he may have come to the decision that D was the only option but I think his behavior towards me and the kids is deplorable. Leaving every weekend to visit another woman while I am left filling in the blanks is inexcusable. I still think he is running away from reality because he cannot cope.
I do appreciate your point of view and I can see full well why some choose to leave. I am working on myself to become a better person. Less angry, more patient, more open. I want to become the woman only a fool would leave. : )
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
H gets home tonight and comes upstairs to see what I am doing. He knocks on the door and asks me if I was decent. I joked "does it matter?" He responds "Well, I don't want to come in if you are all naked." I thought to myself "since when?"
He asked me how my doctor appointment went and I said fine. He asked "is there something I should be aware of?" I said "why? Are you worried?" He said "maybe". I said no, I am fine.
Signed up for a new zumba class and a daytrip to Chicago for my son and I. Really excited about that.
Starting to look forward to the summer and nicer weather. Have lots of cool things planned for me and the kids. : )
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
So this day has already got my head spinning. H told me he couldn't go to S soccer game tomorrow because he promised to go to "someone's" first communion. I know it wasn't DB but I couldn't help it. I said "you're kidding, right?" He said "no, I promised." I just walked away in fury before I exploded.
He followed me and said we need to talk. He confessed about OW. Said he wasn't proud and he messed up but he never intended for it to happen. The romantic feelings for me just weren't there anymore and she was just a good friend that he could talk to. He said it never turned physical until after he filed for divorce.
He still wants us to be great friends and co-parent together. In fact he even wants us to buy side by side condos because it would be better for the kids??
He said my negative attitude over the years switched off those feelings. I told him I understood how he felt and I wish I could change things but I cant. I did tell him however that his leaving every weekend was affecting and hurting the kids. He told me it was hard to balance it out. I told him our kids should come first. Period.
So my head is spinning and it isnt even noon yet. I have to let him go, I understand that I have no control over his actions. I also can't believe anything he says anymore. I feel like giving up completely. I can't compete with the OW when he has the fantasy to run to. But on the other hand if he is lying to me he is more than likely lying to her as well.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I'm sorry W,H! I feel for you! Supposedly my H and the OW are not seeing each other anymore (she is also married), but I don't believe it.
He told me the same thing that he does not have feelings for me and I have not been as bubbly and loving this past year, which has turned him off from me and this girl is happy and listens to him, also! It makes me mad when he says those things, because I know I listen to him!!
I wish I had more advice for you or could help you...maybe I can buy you the 2x4...haha! Keep GALing and do your DB if you think you still want to reconcile.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
When I talked to my DB coach she told me not to enable the other woman and to be the better option. She told me affairs usually only last 6-9 months but idk. My H is stubborn and I just dont think he will ever regard me as a better option. And even if he does he Won't admit it.
I do think he wants me close in case things don't work Out with the OW but I don't know what to believe. It is hard to compete with the fantasy. And the biggest thing is she is not me. That's what he is running from
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
My DB coach said the same thing about being the better woman, but I agree with you about competing with the fantasy and romantic love...when you two have a completely different 'love' at your stage in your relationship...why don't guys understand this??
My H does not want me close...in the 9 weeks we've been separated, he's NEVER initiated texting (I've only texted about the dog in the first 5 weeks). And now, we have not talked or texted in a week and a half.
He also is VERY stubborn and once he gets his mind set on something...that's just it! I just don't know how to show I'm the better person when we don't have any contact!
SO, when you do have the contact with your H because of kids and living together, if you want to be with him, truly show him the BEST side of you. It will be good for possibly R and for yourself and your kids!
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
That's what I am doing. Losing the anger. Losing the negativity. Being upbeat but at this point he thinks it is fake but I fully intend to become a better me. My kids already see the difference. And I feel better too. Well, all things considered.
That is one thing about H. He calls so much at times he blows up my phone. I see him every day and we still sleep in the same bed although he doesn't touch me (no romantic feelings, remember). No contact and going dark work well with him because then he reaches out. But it doesn't really change anything. He still wants D. In fact, he wants to sell our house and buy side by side condos. It just makes no sense to me.
He can't miss me when he sees me every day. Maybe if he didnt see me he would miss me. That's why the OW is so wonderful. He only sees her on the weekends. For only four months now.
Trying not to be discouraged. Whatever will be will be
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
