The divorce papers have been signed and will be sent off today. Attorney's office says we'll be divorced by next week.
As I look back I still can't believe this has happened. All for what?
Today I've been very emotional and crying. Remembering, trying to made heads or tails of how all this came to be. 6 years ago yesterday was when my mom unexpectedly died. 6 years ago yesterday my H really treated me like a true friend and husband would treat someone. I felt loved.
Then 2-3 months after my mom died, I now know he went into his MLC depression. 6 months after my mom died his grandfather died. Just days after his grandfather died, I got the Bomb drop. I kicked him out, and he was gone for a week and then asked to come home. He was home for 3 months and then he was shot. 9 months later he returns to work. 2 months after being back into work, he starts in with angry behavior again then depressed behavior back and forth. I call him on it and he tells me he's not happy, but to please not kick him out because he has no place to go. When I asked him what we should do, he says " keeping paying the bills, and keep a roof over our heads." I said " and then what?" he says " I don't know, we'll just figure it out from here on".
From here on out it's even cloudy to me the chain of events, but I guess it doesn't matter.
I guess Im just sad it's really finally coming to an official end. I see him as a person that creates so much more pain in his very own life just because he doesn't know how to communicate. I know it hurts him. I still love this man, but how can anyone have a healthy relationship with someone is the other one is so dysfunctional, and doesn't even want to try and be more emotionally healthy?
His kind actions has made me think over and over, become defensive, angry and frustrated. I want to believe he means it but I don't trust him. And I can't ever trust he'd even talk to me about things. At the same time I questioned if he was wanting ME to do some emotional work again and bring stuff up and get a R talk going....because unless it's spew time, it takes an act of all that's Holy to get him to speak up. But if I started up with talks like that, I feel that's teaching him that I will always do the emotional work.
I just don't know to do anything but let go and move on, but it's so hard when they're directly in your face and you have to deal with them consistently. I constantly question if he and I were able to communicate if we would've survived this. I constantly ask if he really is the selfish emotionally abusive narcissist that he acted like for years, or if it it is the MLC talking and OW stirring the pot. Like every LBS...I really don't know who my ex is anymore.
