It sounds like you are doing an amazing job! Keep up the good work! I will look at your 180s to see if there are things I can do. I plan on going 'dark' for now...it's been 5 days!!!
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
The cynic in me is creeping up, and I hear myself saying, "Whoever the EA was, that must be over now." DB was true - it doesn't have to last long if you back off entirely. I remind myself to give myself credit for doing all the DB work - and it was/is HARD work.
As a result of DB, I do feel a lot more in control of myself. I have no certainty that we will get back on track, or even IF he wants to truly repair. Time will tell. But I would say that DB definitely helps loads.
The whole, giving the S space, is the first step and probably most important, particularly as it is counter-intuitive. MWD knows her stuff, and I will continue to use the hard-earned lessons in many aspects of my life.
I went to see a friend today. I didn't know this, but she told me that for some reason, she manages to attract married men, and they try to pick her up. Fortunately, she's strong enough to tell them to get lost all the time, but still from her perspective, the M is vulnerable which is why this sort of thing happens regularly in her opinion.
Yes, our R was vulnerable, but we were also in the process of repairing and creating a constructive process. Sigh.
Still, this 'time out' has given me time to consider what I really want in a relationship, and how that might shape any future relationship I involve myself in.
So time alone can be a good thing, if one uses the time wisely.
Hey sounds like you are making good progress all round here.
Maybe you are right that the EA is over, either way for you, there's no way of knowing either way if there was one or not without finding out about it. But in the long run it really doesn't matter either way, what they did or told you. What matters most is YOU and you are definitely living that mantra now & doing great.
What you were talking about your friend attracting married men, doesn't surprise me. Sometimes I think people try to get what they can't or shouldn't have - and don't think they'll get caught or about the hurt or consequences it'll bring.
Being cheated on is one of the worst things I've had to deal with & it still hurts when I think about it. But, it is getting easier with time & I'm really starting to detach now.
I really don't know if I want to get back with my W now & the more I think about it, I wouldn't choose to be with somebody who has treated me the way she has/is.
I'm not going to bring up R talk, but if she brings up separation after my course is finished again, I'm not going to argue about it, I'll take some time out to be on my own and move out.
I think unless, something major happens with W to change my outlook. For example if she starts making positive changes & starts to regain my trust, I would want this separation to happen.
I'm not throwing in the towel, by any stretch of the imagination - I want my family to be together & for our M to be stronger and happier. But we don't always get what we want & I'm not going to let it get me down.
In fact I've been doing great, had a really good day @ UNI today, check out my thread.
YC I'm really happy for you, because where you are at right now is so much healthier & things will only get better from now on in.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Been super busy and engrossed in Uni again, so I may post only from time to time when I get a moment.
Tomorrow is H's b-day, and I bought him a couple of books. I was going to get him D&G's The One cologne. I smelled it on my brother and it is a great scent!! However, I decided at the last minute it might not be appropriate, or send the right message. So, I opted instead for a couple of books that I know he would like. And, I delivered it to his place, and it is waiting for him on the stairs when he gets back. He normally emails/texts pretty quick but I haven't heard anything - yet.
It has been a wonderful day otherwise. I like focusing on my future and building my knowledge through education and making contacts and so forth. I feel fulfilled by that.
However, I do really miss basic romance. I want a R that is expansive enough to let me carry on with my own career...and, that is TRUSTING enough so that I don't waste my energy worrying - like I used to in my old M. I want a trusting, loving R (who doesn't!!)
Since all my detachment, I've been wondering how long I'd have to wait to know.
Tidbit of helpful info from The Solo Partner.
It says on p. 201:
If the distancer has not started or has discontinued his new pursuit within 3 or 4 months of the pursuer's detachment, for all practical purposes the relationship is over."
I suppose I began my bona-fide detachment at the end of March (I think).
Been super busy and engrossed in Uni again, so I may post only from time to time when I get a moment.
Same here, got 4 weeks left & the pressure is on!! In my final year - dissertation = hell
Tomorrow is H's b-day, and I bought him a couple of books. I was going to get him D&G's The One cologne. I smelled it on my brother and it is a great scent!! However, I decided at the last minute it might not be appropriate, or send the right message. So, I opted instead for a couple of books that I know he would like. And, I delivered it to his place, and it is waiting for him on the stairs when he gets back. He normally emails/texts pretty quick but I haven't heard anything - yet.
Hey good choice on the gifts - why would you want to help him smell good if he's not there to be sniffed ;-) you know what I mean - plus books are a personal gift - which I appreciate when I get a good book from somebody. It takes a lot of thought to get it right.
It has been a wonderful day otherwise. I like focusing on my future and building my knowledge through education and making contacts and so forth. I feel fulfilled by that.
Like your take on this - you are using your time to make the things in your life which are positive better for YOU - I'm trying to do exactly the same.
However, I do really miss basic romance. I want a R that is expansive enough to let me carry on with my own career...and, that is TRUSTING enough so that I don't waste my energy worrying - like I used to in my old M. I want a trusting, loving R (who doesn't!!)
Maybe when we are stronger - some whirlwind romance will enter into our lives and sweep us of our feet - you've got to keep on dreaming.
Thank you for checking in YC
Good luck at UNI
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
So yeah, had a good day doing my project for Uni. Did a lot of work for it today - made some progress which is always a great feeling. Also, thinking about internships and getting on with that in my near future.
Received an email from my H thanking me for his Bday gift....saying the books were very insightful and thoughtful, and handy. That was sweet.
Spoke to my mother today. She thinks my H will begin to wake up out of his coma when I move next week. I have to say, my mother is very savvy. She has had 3 marriages - now on her longest and best. My step-dad is totally in love and devoted to her, and it's lovely to see. Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, but it works well. Their union works very well actually, and they are very complementary. It does come with compromise though, but overall they are happy. Anyway! So, she has plenty of experience and is pretty damn good at giving advice.
Just got a text from my H. It was his BDay today, and I wished him a good day and hope it went well and all that.
He now texts me to say:
Went well thank you - busy in office - a few drinks afterwards - nice turnout - am seeing so and so tomorrow for tapas (smilie face).
What was the point of that?? I didn't ask him what he did with his day or what his plans were or anything! I wished him well.
I had an instant feeling of being stabbed in the heart. Am I just overreacting? I just felt so left out - AS USUAL!! It reminded me of the good old days of our separate lives. I've been with this man for 17 years and everyone else was there, but me. I so don't want to care anymore!!
