WH, I'm sorry, I can really feel your pain. It's so sad to read these stories when one party is still devoted to the M, and the other is walking away seemingly unaffected. I hope the Rx helps. Sometimes it's just enough to take the edge off and let you think clearly and stop obsessing 24/7.
I did want to throw in on this, but take it as you will. It might not mean anything to you, but there were several questions posted re: "What gets me mad... Is that everyone has marital issues, if one person is unhappy they have the responsibility to tell the other person they are unhappy and seek MC together. You don't wake up one day, declare its over and say you are done trying." Well I can't speak for your H, but I might be able to give some insight to the other side of things.
As the WAW, I did exactly as you're suggesting spouses should do. I told my H I had serious issues, that I was concerned that we were going to end up D'd, that I couldn't sustain the M the way things were, and that really the only thing keeping me with him was our S. We went to counseling, we got good advice, H acknowledged and promised to address my issues.
The problem is that he never did. He was great at promising but never delivered. When I continued to bring the issues up, with the added bonus of the fact that he wasn't keeping his promise, then I became the problem because I was always "criticizing him and nagging." He condemned me endlessly for bringing up the "D" word. He told his family and turned them all against me.
So when I look back, I think to myself that it would have been soooo much better if I had never said anything, saved the thousands of dollars we spent on counselors, invested in myself rather than the R, and quietly planned my exit strategy. I would actually be better off today if I had. If only I had not had so much faith in my H's promises, and the belief that he wanted to improve things as much as I did, I would have. The problem is that the R wasn't bad for him. The R was very one-sided and he was getting what he wanted from it. I'm the only one that wasn't happy, so he had no incentive to change anything.
I guess I'm just suggesting that perhaps your H felt that he had tried before, but you didn't listen. Maybe it was just one or two little (albeit important) things that he addressed with you that you didn't satisfy. I was just more resilient than most (or stupid, if you consider how many second changes I gave my H.) Not everyone is. I think this question is something you might want to answer for yourself, because it might need to be part of your 180's.
It is possible that the incident with the checkbook was simply crazy-making, or it could have been the manifestation of a deeper issue he has with you. Is this something you've argued about in the past? Specifically the checkbook, or the microwave, or communication in general? Is there a trigger related to you?
Also, I read this somewhere and keep in on a post-it on my laptop. I think it says it all. Perhaps it will give you some peace about "why?" and you can focus on "what next?" (You'll have to flip the gender, of course.)
Quote:
When a spouse walks away, it isn't usually a spur of the moment decision. The groundwork for her desire to be out of the relationship was laid bit by bit over many years.
She started out trusting you and believing in you. She started out knowing that you would love her and desire her presence in your life.
As the years went by and she found out time and again that what she believed was in fact not true...well...it changes people inside. She didn't wake up one morning and decide to go. She talked herself in to this being her only suitable response to life with you.
