I speak from experience in regards to what Snodderly said about speaking in calm, controlled voice, or texts or emails. It's very true! A few times during the first month or two after BD and him moving out I had a few of my "spews" of my own. I figured that I had taken all his spew it was time he hear some of my own. It would just make him start in more, and more, and more. As much as I wanted to verbally tear right back into him, I realized it was fighting fire with fire, two wrongs were not making a right, and someone had to get a grip.
At this point in the game Im beginning to think that when we speak to them and the spewing stops, they're actually listening to us. They may not even respond back to us or completely drop the conversation, but I think we've been heard. That was a hard one for me to really understand. Im an assertive person and my expectations are for people to treat me assertively back. Quite frankly most civilized people in everyday life do act that way towards others! I just took it that if he wasn't responding to my emails, texts or comments, he wasn't reading them or listening. Later down the road he told me he always reads my emails, it's just he didn't know how to respond or even if he should. AVOIDANT PERSONALITY!
At any rate Xh's way to let me know he's irritated is to just make remarks with underlying tones of irritation, sarcasm, or just come right out and blast me now that MLC hit. If I can tell he's hinting about something I just nip it at the bud, and ask him what's really going on. What's different now, is he will actually communicate with me and tell me. Before he'd just sit in the corner and pout and say "never mind".
If he starts in on a personal attack, what I do is really, really listen to what his POINT IS, and address that. That nips it at the bud too. I got a lot of spew from him at Christmas. D12 was having a very hard time at his house, overnight for the first time with OW. She isolated herself in her bedroom crying the entire time talking about how much she missed me. My god this was her first Christmas in a broken family, she was absolutely heart broken. Yet who's fault was it? Mine! all mine! I got spew texts that she was fine up until she text me and then she fell into tears and was depressed all night and day. yes it was me that made her feel guilty for having fun.
My response " well if I made her feel guilty about it, she will let me know."
It takes alot of patience because when they start throwing those personal insults left and right, its our instict to defend ourselves and throw it right back.
But I've learned a person can adequately defend themselves without having to personally attack anyone.
