am i better off without him?

[Accuray]

Ok, I'm up to speed. I'm not sure if I can help you or not because I certainly haven't walked in your shoes, but I'll try. Feel free to correct or dismiss me if I'm off base.

When I was reading your initial post, I was thinking "scaredsilly doesn't set and enforce boundaries". I was feeling like you were letting your stepchildren steamroll you and cry to daddy as it were whenever you would try to crack down. The stories about your stepchildren made me nuts. Did you ever watch that show "Nanny911"? The "recipe" for poorly behaved kids on that show was a mother who screamed and yelled but never really enforced anything, and a father who was just checked out and didn't participate in the parenting beyond complaining to the mother that she was yelling at the kids too much.

I'm not saying you play that role, but it seems like your husband may, that he doesn't effectively parent. He wants the love but not the hard work.

I started second guessing myself when you talked about the fact that he felt you were too strict with the kids, maybe you DO enforce your boundaries.

Here's where I'm uncertain -- you can indicate displeasure but then not enforce it. The problem with that is that everyone involved is stuck in a repeating pattern. "I don't like this, but I don't feel strongly enough to make a big issue of it". That lets the offender continue to offend, and everyone to feel badly about your reaction to the whole situation. They know you're unhappy, you're probably unpleasant to be around, the bad behavior continues, lather, rinse, repeat.

If that's your cycle, then creating and enforcing consequences would be the way to break out. If the stepdaughter cooks for friends and doesn't contribute to grocery expenses, you stop putting anything in the refrigerator until what she took is replaced, and you don't give in. You adopt a zero tolerance policy until things are better. This, of course, assumes that your expectations are realistic, and that you've made them known ahead of time. Since this woman is living in her father's house, and she never had to pay for food growing up, she may reasonably expect that she can take what she likes. You'd need to set the expectation up front that you don't enjoy grocery shopping for SD's friends, and that if SD wants to cook for them you expect she'll contribute to the grocery budget and clean up whatever mess she makes. It's all about setting and managing expectations.

What do you think? Do you think you've had unspoken rules?

Do you think you've had lines and boundaries but didn't take action to enforce them?

Did you get stuck in repeating patterns of disappointment?

The other thing I was thinking is that these kids bully you because they know they have more influence with their father than you do. I was wondering if confronting them directly to "clear the air" would help. The stereotypical bully situation is that if you take on the bully, they'll then start to respect you and a friendship can develop. Have you tried to just have it out with them directly? Let them know where you stand, what you'll tolerate, and what you will not?

It seems like your relationship with the stepdaughter will have to get worse before it gets better, but that until you make peace with her, there will be no peace with H.

H clearly feels torn between you and his kids, understands the tension there between you, and can't bring himself to side with you over them. This bothers you, and becomes a wedge in your marriage that creates a constant force to drive you apart. I would imagine that H wants relief from that tension more than anything, which is why when he felt that you agreed to divorce, he finally felt that he could have you both. He can now have a relationship with you that his kids will not object to, and a relationship with them that you don't need to be a part of.

That's my dimestore analysis and I could be way off, but I'm curious about how you feel about these things.

Accuray