Really Needing Advice ....Encouragement

[AntoniaB]

Renee there are two types of alone, the way I see it, and one is physically alone, where you basically take care of your needs for shelter and food and stuff, and you are self-sufficient with the "material", and then there is emotionally "alone" (and I argue that you're not alone if you have friends or family but I guess, emotionally "single" in that you don't need a partner to "complete" you).

You've been physically but not emotionally "alone." That's why you got into something that isn't working for you, because you were probably insecure with the emotional aloneness and wanted things to feel what you would have called "normal" in your past, you wanted a man back in your life, because that gave you back a sense of normalcy. So you get this guy in your life and he's not your XH (as in, not the XH you used to know before things went south) and you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with him--trying to get him to be like what you think you miss and it won't work because he's not that guy.

When you say "I was hoping he loved me enough to change" above, well, that's it in a nutshell, expecting someone to change who he is as a person because he loves you is extremely needy/codependent behavior. It doesn't say "I accept you for who you are, warts and all", but it says "I need you to be this type of person for me or I won't be happy."

The happiness has to come out of you first. You have to be comfortable being "emotionally" alone before you can be non-co-dependent in a relationship.

You did say "I can't change either." I think the people on this board are proof that people CAN change if they want to...no one is saying that you should stop being affectionate or someone who likes closeness...but if you can't seem to lower your anxiety level if you don't have THIS GUY to be affectionate with, then that's not his fault, that's something you have to learn how to harness and control in yourself.

You have to ask yourself, "Do I want to be THIS dependent on a man for my happiness?"

If the answer is yes, then I'm sure if you break it off with him, you can find a man somewhere who is codependent and who thrives on the things you want.

If the answer is no, then you have to find ways to feel at peace with yourself that have nothing to do with a man in your life, because you cannot guarantee you will always have one.