What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Thank you all - I will definitely search out the vets too.

I went dark today. As he is coming over in the morning I still can engage in light conversation but I refuse to talk about divorce, relationships or anything else. My goal right now is that he postpone the divorce proceedings just so he can 'think' about it. Translation: I would like to buy some time so he can experience this and focus on what he wants. I am not going to be talking about the future with him. 37 rules in full effect.



I saw another text from him to OW last night. He left here to 'go sleep in in car at work'. Lies. He told her our divorce would be final next month (in what world does he live?) And the kicker, he signed with 'I love you'. She didn't reply. The OW texted me again today. I didn't reply back. Apparently he showed up at her house begging/demanding to be let in. She told him to go home to his family and called the police on him. I found him sleeping in my son's bed.

Today he's blaming me for his relationship ending. I hate to say it but I think that this confrontation from me was for the best. If he didn't get caught and called out and her rejecting him - he would keep doing this to us. This is happened almost 5 times now in the time we've been together. It's gotten easier for him to do. Now he has to feel rejection. Now he has to feel consequences.

I have for 14 years been so wrapped up in his thoughts, feelings, and moods that I almost lost myself. I am a strong woman who doesn't deserve to be cheated on. If I make a mistake or am called out about it, I will fix it. I am extremely loyal and trusting.

IF and a big fat IF we ever reconciled, it's going to be after counseling. I can't compromise anymore. I draw a line in the sand only to erase it and redraw it once he crosses it. I said after the last affair that there will be no more without me leaving. I'm not erasing that line. This is now almost a full five in affairs. I believe he lied to me about this one even still (saying they only ML 1 time. It's been 2 months he's been over there, he signs off with I love you. No... this is more than a one time thing). I also think that this started 2 years ago and that's why he confessed his affairs. He kissed her, broke it off after he got scared. I think he wanted me to break it off with him to make it easier and I surprised him by doing a 180 in my behavior. I am learning to trust my instincts because I was not wrong in them before.

Above all, what I learned was that I was right. Every single time he said I was overreacting or jealous - I had every right to be. He was carrying on affairs at those times. I questioned myself, whether I was seeing things... I wasn't. I trusted him and believed whatever he told me and let my heart override my head.

I make excuses for his behavior with his depression. Bottom line it comes down to is that he is an adult who still makes those choices. I completely understand depression, I've lived with it for a long time with him. I've read the chapter in the book and relate. It's definitely not for the weak-hearted. I feel for him and his pain. But even when I express my concern for his well-being and say "forget the relationship for a moment. Forget the marriage. I'm concerned about you. I notice that you are checked out of work. You aren't playing your video games. You aren't doing your hobbies anymore. And then you engage in destructive behaviors. I am concerned that you are going to keep going down hill and it's painful to watch." Really, he's going to have to crash in order to take action. It is painful to watch. It's hurtful to experience the actions he does and I've cared for him for so long to not care. This marriage may be a casualty of it right now. I still have hope for him - but I have to take care of myself and my S.

He did say 'well, if the divorce thing doesn't work out then we can always get married again.' Yeah.... After counseling and ONLY if I'm interested. Then I'll think about it. No more affairs means no more. I'm not interested in going back to being worried about where he is off to. I'm not interested in stressing myself out so I get sick. I love him BUT I love myself too.