Husband of 4 years (together 8) said IDLY two weeks ago. I am devastated. He's depressed and seeing an individual therapist. Yesterday was our first couples counseling session, very painful. I think our issues are significant but can be worked out. I'm not sure he feels that way. I don't know how seriously he is considering leaving. He seems to want to set up as many couples therapy session as possible (he wanted 2 per week but the therapist could only do 1x per week), which seems hopeful. Also today he said something like "I didn't say I was going to leave!" but I know from the forum that you can't believe anything they say.
I read Divorce Remedy and have been trying to follow the suggestions, been giving space and doing GAL. I guess I'm doing the LRT right now? Very confused about how to follow the suggestions here while also doing couples therapy (I broke down today in therapy, whereas the book says to try to be smiling all the time). One of our problems is that I don't show enough affection, but I'm very confused about how to begin this when I'm trying to detach and give him space. My gut says giving space is the right thing right now. At therapy when he talked about our problems there was a lot of venom in his tone. Not sure if that will ever go away, it seems like it's been like that for months (years?)
I think the GAL steps are working out okay so far. Is there anything else I should be doing/not doing? We agreed to not talk about the relationship unless in the counseling session. How do you live in the same house with someone under these conditions? Do you interact day-to-day? Do you avoid each other?
Hi, I am very new here too so I don't usually give advice but we had the same situation with the counseling. We started it full force, 2 hours joint per week, and an individual session for each of us. after about 3 months I think my husband got overwhelmed and scared of what we were uncovering and he gave up on us. I had been very confrontational in our MC sessions, at the time I didn't think ending it was on the table, and I had a lot to say. I think its good advice not to talk about it when you aren't in session, I feel like it consumed us and now he is moving out. Good luck, you are on the right path, getting this material so early.
M 37, H 37 M 10, T 12 S 4 D 2 3/14/12 ILYBNILWY 4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing 4/26/12 H moves to his new place
Welcome to the board. Have you read divorce remedy yet? It is importatnt that you do. I will post some rules for you to start with. They are not inflexible.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hang in there antioch, I'm new as well but getting a lot form this forum. I'm pretty much in same boat...W says I don't show enough affection and that she knows I love her but don't like her. It's hard to hear that since I do like her very much...she's my best friend.
I am concentrating on me right now, for me. It's what you have to do as well. He will notice...keep interactions civil and cordial...become mysterious, he'll notice and will begin seeking you out. I know it's easier said than done...and I am not perfect in it either. So hard keeping distant, physically and emotionally, when all you want to do is hold him...and make it all better. My W doesn't want that now, in her mind it's too little too late. But, I know she still loves me, we are good friends...and we don't have any of the big problems...fidelity, physical abuse, addictions, etc. So, I am hopeful but not expecting anything. Your H just needs space to work out his feelings...and hopefully to focus on himself...to get his swagger back. In the meantime, work on yours...again, he'll notice, he married you for a reason...he just needs to reconnect as to why.
Stay strong and focused...and use "us"...it's what we're all here for; and there are some real good, caring people on here that have been there, done that.
M: 44 W: 39 D: 16, D: 14, D: 11 (11 y/o special needs) M: 17 T: 21 1/2 Bomb: 3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D: 3/27/12 Seperated since bomb
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
Thanks, ffi Rick and td. This forum is incredible and I'm grateful for all of your advice. So many of us are in the same boat it seems. I'm scared it's too late but I'm trying to do my best to give him space and GAL (while not being aloof!). It's so hard to be patient but I know it will all take time (whether or not we stay together).
For GAL I'm thinking about doing some small home improvement projects --- is this a bad idea? Will it seem needy? (H doesn't want to think about us sharing a life together, so I worry the home improvement projects would be too in-your-face.) OTOH I like doing stuff like that and would feel good about it for myself.
How do you handle times like Friday nights when couples normally spend time together? I used to keep this space free for H and me, but should I be scheduling things to do on my own now?
Another MC session and H seems very very determined to end it. He seems utterly convinced we were a mistake and that he needs to find someone else. I think his IC is encouraging him toward this. The MC seems more like a half-hearted attempt to justify to himself that he's done all he can. I made some mistakes and broke down a bit. Trying to cheer up and get back with DB. Too little too late? Must focus on the future.
More journalling. H has admitted an EA. I'm not that surprised and was very calm about the whole thing. (gotta read that chapter before figuring out what to do next!)
and there are some real good, caring people on here that have been there, done that.