the path is the goal...

[cat04]

Zig,

I will try to clarify (I was actually referring to KD's quote BTW)

When I was in the throws of everything, it was really easy to say "I don't want separation". "I don't want to be upset anymore." "I don't want this change."

It was easy to say "I want my H back."

The drawback...

My H was full of spew, angry, mean, and had a sense of humor that I didn't appreciate, listened to music that I didn't like, and generally was so completly opposite what he had been, so when I was honest with myself, I didn't want THAT H back. I didn't want THAT M back.

I was changing. And I knew things would have to be different.

I was coming to a point where I started to question what I would say IF my X wanted to come back.

So I took H, the person, out of the equation.

I began to decide what I wanted ANY future R to look like, what I wanted ANY future man to be like. Whether it was H or someone else...

I just believed that when the time came for ANY man to be a part of my life again, I would know that I was making a good decision for me, not settling for any reason.

So I decided I wanted a relationship with a man. (No real idea WHO the man was, could have been Kevin Costner for all I knew.)

I decided what I wanted that relationship to look like, what sort of treatment I would need...

I decided what qualities the man would have to have in order to be the "right" man...

And then I continued on my path, just becoming a better person, living MY life and when it was time for a man to re-enter my life, it happened and it fit my picture of what I wanted and needed. It was an easy choice to make to let him into my life.

Zig,

You aren't quite there yet...no offense...

However, you can do what Kaffe suggests and understand that what you want right NOW, what you work towards right NOW, which is some detatchment and peace for yourself, may not be what you find yourself wanting down the road. And then you begin working toward the new goal.

Right now, you work towards the goal of closeness in the future, by working on you, getting your self esteem back, getting out of the drama, so that if the time comes in the future for closeness, you are healthy and able to participate in it.

Does that make any sense?