New Day Rising

[greatwhitenorth]

Fell into a deep hole on Sunday night/Monday. I actually scared myself. It wasn't because of H, but because of losing my marriage and dreams, losing my job and the prospect of losing my house, all in the span of seven months, and having to face all of this alone. It all was just too much for a time.

So a close friend and colleague of mine who didn't lose her job called the Employee Assistance Program to try and find a way to support me. She coaxed me into going with her.

I don't think she got what she was looking for, but the therapist we saw is a social worker who is pro-marriage and familiar with MWD! I didn't even raise wanting to save my marriage, but I guess she read between the lines. Unfortunately she hasn't read the books, (She asked if I could get H to come into counselling. I said no, because it's no good until they're ready.), but fortunately she appears to have the right attitude (she agreed).

So I'm going to have some sessions with her to put all the stuff going on in my life into perspective, and to get some support for my efforts to save my marriage. I do question whether it's worth standing, given how incapable he is of communicating, trusting and being vulnerable, and how little I knew of him as a result.

I believe from the way he looked at me and behaved last two times I saw him that he still loves me, and from the way he's been talking that he's thinking back on his life with me, sort of on where he's supposed to be...meaning here. That said, I am going to continue doing what I'm doing and give him all the space in the world, continuing on as if he's not coming home.