Stuck in Holding Pattern

[ben11]

Also, you wrote A LOT about how SHE would not change or work on the marriage although there was a lot of distance (geographically and then maritally) that led to problems. I am sure there were others b/c when you were together, somehow there was less intimacy and that cannot be all on her end.

From what I read in your thread, you didn't change much either. You use the word "test" a few times and I think "testing" our spouses is a bad idea. You were testing her and giving out ultimatums,

but you seemed to forget that

DBing is about working on YOU and then still working on you and THEN seeing if it helps the marriage. That's the "monitor for results" part.

I didn't see any 180s from you...are there some I missed? I mean it's easy to blame her, which you clearly do.

But where is the introspection and inner growth on your end?

What do you mean when you say you "tried" in the m?

I get the feeling you mean a few gestures, and not filing for divorce....

and when the were not reciprocated quickly enough, (or trusted by her as being real) then you withdrew, which proved her distrust was legitimate.

Also suggests your "changes" were tactics to get her back fast, but not real or genuine change in you or your approach...and certainly not long lasting.


Did you ever try to really address why your w would feel so lonely that she'd seek out OM, twice? How did YOU behave differently after you discovered the first EA?

Did you improve in your treatment and attentiveness, or were you just angry at her? What I got from your thread was mainly the latter.

After EA1, to be honest, I didn't do a lot of things different. I mean, sure, I tried this and that for a week or two, but when I didn't get what I wanted (sex) I said **** it. It's her problem.

I did try spending more time with her, but she was really avoiding me. By the end, she was going to functions that I would normally go to that I was no longer invited to. Not only did she not ask me, I was specifically said I shouldn't go.

I suggested going away for a weekend here or there, but was either due to her job or she didn't know how she felt that she wasn't into going.

We did also go to MC during this time, but as stated earlier in my story it didn't go well.

In short, I did a horrible job of showing her the man I know I can be. I was angry, was in a fog, and even at some times thought maybe 'we were fine' and didn't have a problem. After all, I didn't find out about a lot of our real issues until OM2. Was that my fault? Maybe, but my W wasn't even sure what our real issues were, or at least, wouldn't tell me when I tried to find out.