Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[Broken74]

Man, I made it 23 days without a massive screwup, I think that's personal best! But when I go down, I go down in flames. I'll continue to journal here from time to time as a give-back exercise for DB's in the future NOT to do.

So I had been a few weeks no contact, and Friday afternoon she hits me up out of the blue, I waited until Sunday afternoon to respond with "what's up". No response from her. As I come back from my weekend trip I can see that she has been playing all of this woe is me/I want him back type music on my streaming music service that I never changed the password on so she can still use it. So mind reading at it's best takes over since I'm an idiot, and I logically thing most of these songs are projecting her thoughts toward me.

So what better action for me to take than PERSUE PERSUE PERSUE right? I sent her an e-card yesterday with no response, and then another one today and she called and the conversation started off pleasant and lighthearted. Then she goes down the road of would it be better if she doesn't respond or can we be adults about this etc. I explained when I saw what she was listening to it made me think and reach out to her, to which she responded she isn't thinking about anyone when she is listening to these songs that she just likes the music. I say fair enough and I will cease and desist. NOTE TO READERS MIND READING IS THE DEVILS WORKSHOP

Of course I am significantly spun up at this point. So I text to ask why did she contact me out of the blue on Friday and the following ensued:

Her: Only to talk about the car

Me: Fair enough, what about the car? Can we talk taxes too, eg your educational expenses and 9 months of daycare expenses. I filed an extension.

Her: I've already filed taxes. You get nothing for daycare because you have no dependents. If it makes you feel better I didn't get much back.

Me: Crazy how that works. I'm paying because I changed my witholding to put every dime I made toward your surgery debt. cest la vie I guess. Your educational expenses were billed to my credit cards, as was the match.com laptop supposedly for school. So what about the car?

Her: You are such an evil and immature person.

Me: I am evil and immature because your actions put ME over 30k in debt? How much debt do you have W? YOU bought a laptop on mycredit, opened a match.com account on it and THEN had an affair, and I am evil and immature? And then you stuck me with EVERY IOTA of EVERY BILL? Forget the taxes, I'll eat those too, if you can live with yourself I can live with the debt. What is the plan to close on the car? If you're available I can pick up my stuff from your house the weekend of mothers day.

Her: See why I don't respond to you... because this is what I have to deal with. Send me a date and time you'll be picking up your stuff and I'll try to be here. I HELPED PAY THE BILLS!!! Unless it's about you picking up your things, please don't contact me. There's nothing more to say.

Me: I express my love to you in every way I know how, and you consistently kick me in the face. After I forgive you in everything and did everything in my power to make things right. What about the car?

Her: And every time you follow up with your abusive statements and BS, only confirming that I'm doing the right thing.

Me: You continue to crush my heart for no reason when I was doing nothing but be nice to you.

Her: I can't finance a private party loan. I doubt you'll want to take it over, so the only thing I know to do is list it for sale. Is that ok with you?

Me: What did it hurt that I sent you an ecard yesterday and today? Really you had to call and tell me that was too much? Reread and tell me what is abusive and bs by the way. I realize that you feel guilty, but please don't spin it around and project that on me. Can you take the car and get an estimate on the damage and trade in value?

Her: Already did. $800 to repair the bumper. $17000 trade in.

Me: The logical move is to keep making the car payment, that is a no win situation for now, and I can't afford any further losses. We can put something in writing if you want.

Her: I will list it for sale and hope it sells while I'm making payments. I want no connection to you.

Me: I apologize I forced your dream car on you W. Me and my crazy wanting to make your dreams come true. Unconditional love is a crazy thing. I wish you would have had it for me.

Her: If the way you talk to me is unconditional love then I don't want anyone to ever love me again.

Me. I apologize if something I said hurt your feelings. What was it exactly? I poured my heart out to you earlier and you pulverized it! That HURT me to the core and made some of my statements pointed but nothing more. I am sorry and I LOVE YOU! Look at my actions recently not these words.

Her: Leave me alone. You still need help

Me: I need the support of my wife is all I need, that's really all I needed all along but that was the tough road. I apologize for airing my frustration, but I didn't say anything overtly hurtful or mean to you. If you disagree please point it out so I can understand. I'm sorry, I have forgiven you for all of our past and have nothing but love for you and hope for us.

So in summary:

1) So much for detachment
2) So much for any progress I may have made in the past three weeks, which was apparently none.
3) So much for me showing forgiveness since I keep up bringing up the old BS.
4) So much for controlling my anger after 13 weeks of DV classes because I still got spun up over this episode.


I continue to talk to friends about my situation. It seems that the recurring theme, is that the W throwing me in jail thing is a deal breaker in 90% of listeners. I honestly thought I was detached until I saw the music list and MIND READ until I BLEW EVERYTHING.

Obviously I am still of the thought we will be getting divorced in August. I haven't really been back here because it fuels my anxiety somewhat. My folks and everyone who has heard this situation outside of this forum has advised me to move on.

Damn I wish I could...

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's, I will try to get up and comment although obviously no one is in need of my advice lol