Stuck in Holding Pattern

[25yearsmlc]

Emailed the MC today. He's supporting my decision to move on. Coming from someone passionate about saving marriages, and someone who actually knows my W's side of the story, I am quite sure this is the direction I need to take.

Has anyone asked for a SA? I'm trying to figure out a way to do this as 'smoothly' as possible.

Again, any advice/feedback would be greatly appreciated...

Ben,

I read your whole thread...I have some comments and questions. I'll start with the questions. And I apologize for the length of this but I am including someone else's letter to her h, b/c I think it MIGHT represent how your w sees things and therefore might point you in a slightly different direction, or a major different one.

OKAY--

What is the goal of a separation agreement in your situation? I don't know your state so I don't know what purpose it serves there. For instance, Does one of you still need health insurance?

If you are so sure this M is over, why not divorce her? (Not suggesting it, but wondering why you'd bother with a SA).


Also, you wrote A LOT about how SHE would not change or work on the marriage although there was a lot of distance (geographically and then maritally) that led to problems. I am sure there were others b/c when you were together, somehow there was less intimacy and that cannot be all on her end.

From what I read in your thread, you didn't change much either. You use the word "test" a few times and I think "testing" our spouses is a bad idea. You were testing her and giving out ultimatums,

but you seemed to forget that

DBing is about working on YOU and then still working on you and THEN seeing if it helps the marriage. That's the "monitor for results" part.

I didn't see any 180s from you...are there some I missed? I mean it's easy to blame her, which you clearly do.

But where is the introspection and inner growth on your end?

What do you mean when you say you "tried" in the m?

I get the feeling you mean a few gestures, and not filing for divorce....

and when the were not reciprocated quickly enough, (or trusted by her as being real) then you withdrew, which proved her distrust was legitimate.

Also suggests your "changes" were tactics to get her back fast, but not real or genuine change in you or your approach...and certainly not long lasting.


Did you ever try to really address why your w would feel so lonely that she'd seek out OM, twice? How did YOU behave differently after you discovered the first EA?

Did you improve in your treatment and attentiveness, or were you just angry at her? What I got from your thread was mainly the latter.


My gut says she does love you but simply feels so neglected that when OM paid attention to her, she gobbled it up. Then you found out about it, and instead of trying to figure out how YOU could better meet her needs -and SHE could regain your trust,

you got angry, continued to "test" her, and pretty much stayed that way.

(I understand the anger and I am NOT defending the affairs. But I am wondering what YOU learned about YOU, from all this.

And how or why you don't seem to feel genuinely responsible for any of it.

** If I'm way off on this, please let me know and send me to the part where you say differently.***

While I used to understand the "take it or leave it" approach when there's an affair, I only get it IF there is no chance of a reconciliation.

It doesn't work that often if a woman feels unloved inside her marriage.

You both grew apart and neither of you did anything to change it. Even when danger signs appeared and she had her first EA,

all I got from your thread was how you wanted HER to get fixed at MC. Not how you'd spend the precious time you did have together, better...

IMO, like most WAWs, your w

will not want to reconcile -UNLESS-

she believes marriage to you now, & "from this day forward",

could be different/better.

So how have YOU shown her that it could be?

What is different in YOU or how you interact with her, that indicates any possible improvement?

If she thinks you'll hold the A over her head like the sword of Damacles

or throw it in her face every time you are upset, she won't come home. (Who would?)

So she may not feel like it's worth even trying...esp if the MC is re-hashing the past or just about how SHE has to do "x" and "y".

Is it possible that

If she sees no change in you, she may Prefer to take her chances w/OM b/c she knows with you she's getting too little attention and too much anger?

have you done any forgiveness work? Not b/c she "deserves" it, but b/c the anger you feel is clearly influencing your choices, and it hurts You.

You have not been at this for long, in my book. Your expectations of a rapid solution were not realistic b/c it takes a lot for a woman to feel emotionally disconnected from her own h, and then connected to another man.

**(At the end of this post, I will attach a letter from a WAW to her h, b/c her h expected her to return after he made some changes...

although I don't believe you're in his situation b/c I don't know of any radical changes on your end-

I think the letter has value b/c it may shed light on your w's perspective on things.)**


In any event, the separation agreement means different things in different states. In some places it ends up being the same thing as the divorce agreement as it's simply ratified more or less when the time requirements for divorce are met.

In other states it's not a legally enforceable document. I'm a L but don't know your state and cannot advise here anyhow. But I simply don't know what impact it would have

and or, your purpose in filing it. Is it a last ditch attempt to wake her up?

IF SO, know that it might not. But IF she does look your way or continue in counselling of some sort

what do you think YOU could do differently? It's important you look within b/c the real journey in life is an inward one.

Do you get that^^?

You don't want to be in the same place in your next r, and if you and your w do reconcile, you'll have to structure your marriage a new way with tools you don't have right now.

Any chance you could attend Retrovaille? It's a marriage retreat weekend for marriages in crisis, and it has worked wonders on many, including mine.

Good luck, and here's the post I thought might shed some light on your w's views...fwiw.

FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M.

I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from.

When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope.

You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.
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Me: 32, H: 32