Trying to erase her past

[AJM]

Hey MMF. I honestly do not know what it is. I know before she left you could feel the guilt eminanting from her. You could also feel the relief and jubilation and glee and sadness and all the other conflicting pieces. I watched as she felt like she loved me but wasn't in love with me (whatever that means?) and as she blamed herself, then me, then her childhood, then me. I watched as she made up stories to support the blaming of me.

It was as if she was an alien in her own body. She wasn't comfortable with herself. But she wasn't able to justify "why". Weird to describe. It was as if she needed to create extra drama and pain and needed that to feel anything at all. As if she overloaded all the emotions and couldn't process. I still feel that she is a hair's breadth from that even today. As if she is struggling to gain control and uses me (or tries) to do that.

If I believed half of what she says, then I would hate me too. Don't get me wrong. It's just that I watched as she cycled through at least 10 different personalities, like trying on coats, before she left. Even now I see "breaks" in the personalities and I'm not even looking.

I think when she calls me names or tries to argue her point; it's like watching a child argue they didn't steal the cookies even though they have oreo on their hands/shirt/face while they say it. Sometimes I think it is to reinforce that she is right and I am the bad guy. By the way, the victim assertion didn't start until about a month after she announced she wanted a divorce.

I remember thinking that she shattered into a 1000 pieces when this all started. All in all, it is like watching a broken person learn how to be a person again. How to feel again. How to act. I actually referred to it once as an emotional stroke

I finally stopped watching the trainwreck as it happend. I had a front row seat for too long. It's been an interesting and wild ride, but it's not mine to take.

Does she feel guilty? I don't know. I don't know if she is capable where it concerns me. Not that she's sociopathic, but it's as if she is where it concerns me. Complete lack of empathy for other's feelings.

I say that because it's not really normal to be as rageful and angry as she is even years later. For things she made up in the first place.

In the end there is no changing it nor understanding it. To guess is a waste of time really. To guess what she feels or sees or thinks is to invite lunacy.

I care. I care that she is well and does well. I hope she does. But I can in no way guess what her intent is. I don't really like to expect the worst, but it seems to be the best way for me. So I've gotten to a point where I take the facts and deal with those. Nothing more. But I do remember the feelings and thoughts....

Does that help?

AJ