Seeing Lawyers tomorrow...even more hopeless

[25yearsmlc]

Accuray makes a very good point

My exercise for you was for you to imagine life with your h, but w/you being happy. You did a pretty good job of that!

If you want to do the same exercise for you WITH your h, then be realistic about what it would take. You'd have to insert a few TOOLS that you don't yet have.

You went down this road before and when you two "worked it out"---
you didn't.

You withheld affection b/c there was no trust

and he felt he was trying to earn it back and I'd bet there was no clear road map for either of you to figure out what it would take to avoid this pattern from continuing...

but it IS continuing. So you'd need a roadmap to a new better marriage.

Since he's NOT interested in that right now, all you can do is appear open and warm BUT detached AND moving forward (so he really fears losing you) and

has the space to examine his choices, which he will NOT do if you challenge the choice. No more pursuit. You can be receptive to his outreach, without pursuing him.


What would it take for you to feel safe with this man? Is it realistic that he'd do what it would take? Would you do the work to forgive him then?

(BTW you can forgive him NOW without him doing a darn thing...why? B/c the anger consumes you...)


This was a real issue for me. I didn't not believe my h "deserved" forgiveness and he sure had not asked for it.

But I noticed I was SO angry at him for the injustice of it all and his selfishness, ETC

that I was not doing well at work and more importantly, I was not really there for my kids. Too preoccupied with my pain and loss.

It was ME that was miserable, and probably my kids/co-workers. Endless questions like "WHY is he doing this? When is he going to wake up? HOW can he do this????? "

are all Unanswerable, useless questions, that hinder our progress.


When that hit me, I realized no matter what h did or whether we reconciled

I could NOT keep on staying in my anger/victim mode. It was not helping ME or our m, and it sure wasn't hurting h.


(Remember, "holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.")---so let it go, for YOU.


If you can't feel safe w/him, but you "reconcile", and do not get the tools needed for that, then the whole "re-build trust/withhold sex/affection cycle will go on too. If you do approach piecing I'd suggest you attend Retrovaille which is a retreat for marriages in trouble. My h and I went and like most couples, we got a lot out of it. More than I expected or even hoped for. It was the first time I felt my h "GOT" it and that helped me feel safe with him again. That's huge.


In your sitch, while I usually don't think re-hashing the past helps
since there is a pattern, maybe a little would not hurt.

Your h MAY have felt like he didn't know how many more laps he'd have to swim before he'd be embraced by you again...

and You did not know how to forgive & let go of the anger, and embrace b/c you two did not get to the core of this.

I doubt He "got" that what he'd done was very dangerous & hurtful AND a warning...

he only knew he did not want to lose you....until the next time he wants something/someone else or gets bored or a bit down or whatever...

So come up with 2 visions. Both have to be achievable, at least in theory.

You only control you...but if you want to be with THIS man

May I assume you don't mean this man as he is now...?

Okay then...there is not a lot you can do about this^^ b/c he has Not changed.

Thus far, all signs point to him NOT changing anytime soon...

So vision #1 for being with him is----IF & when he does the work it'll take to earn your trust again, THEN you assess. We'll support that.

MEANWHILE you work on YOU. Letting go of what/who you cannot control

will lead you to greater happiness in your life. Seriously...

#2 Then envision life without your h, as you did before...a good loving life...and begin to create THAT.

IF your h sees you moving forward in your life and GAL and being upbeat, it's hard not to be attracted to that. AND

It'll counter his negative unforgiving images of you and undermine his reasons for leaving you...which you want.


If he does NOT do the work HE needs to do, you will still be better off b/c you will have moved to a more fulfilling, happier life, that much sooner.


If he DOES do all the work, you'll have wasted no time pining for him
AND,imo
you will probably have speeded up his awakening process.

The sooner YOU get that the LBS moving forward & being happy actually can trigger work in the WAS, the better.

It never delays the work of the WAS...

and if he never grows out of this, you'll be in your new life that much faster anyhow.


IOW, your course of action in the immediate future is the same regardless of what he does.

Make sense?