Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?

[AlwaysTrying]

My Text conversations have been occasionally asymetric lately with me just dumping all my thoughts out over the phone. Here are some of the things I've been saying, in case anyone wants to send a 2x4 my way:

Sometimes I will hold my phone in my hands for half an hour looking at a blank text, trying to figure out how to reach you.
I want to connect somehow.
I want you to come home.
"I don't want you to change me" (note: this was something I said a week or two before she came back with "I want a separation". Something I regret saying badly, and something that just isn't true any more.)
Think about that. Is that who I am now?
In so many ways, I am still the man you married, and in so many ways, I am different from the man you ran away from.
But you are still scared. You should have seen the look in your eyes when I said D15 wanted us to go back to being ourselves.
I'm sorry you're afraid.(note: W freaked out a little when I mentioned D said this and said something about how D just wanted her to go back to being miserable. So far from true, but WAW's mind is so... traumatized, I guess. Responses and reasoning just seem so irrational some times.)

S**t
I just realized something. I know why I can't go into my apartment. Shame. Being in there makes me feel ashamed of being unable to protect my family and for being inadequate for you.
I don't think I'm inadequate. I wish you could hate divorce half as much as I do. It is so hard to imagine why it is so hard for you to be open to trying to work on the issues that keep us apart.
I hate this life. It is poisonous to me and so hard. I get by but I often feel so horrible inside when I'm with my thoughts.
I believe we have a responsibility to our kids to find a way. So I'll keep looking for constructive things I can do. I will make sure the light is on for you. F**k, W. We can do a lot better than this.
Do you ever ever think of letting me back in?

In retrospect... That was a lot to say over text messaging.