May, I think what 25 said above is also key - behavior, not words, remember?
I suspect that you're overcompensating for your H because you're afraid if you pulled back, did nothing, you'd see the real truth about where your marriage is. And that would be hard to face.
But it is The Truth.
That's not to say it's wrong, good, bad, done, etc. It just is what it is. I feel like when we're working with the truth, with reality, we can build so much stronger from that place - not from illusions or decoys.
Is your husband kinda checked out? Seems so. Is he blaming stupid things? Seems so. Are you buying it? Hmm...
What is it about for you to try to please him all the time? What do you make it mean that he says stuff about your appearance? You might look at that, or your own relationship to your own father. Was there a "not good enough" theme? This is your stuff. Your husband is triggering it.
GET THAT HELP YOU DESERVE. WORK ON YOU.
For me, my ex-bf triggered a lot - in me - and did it mean he didn't have his own [censored]? Hell no. But what he did with it was up to him (I believe he chose to use it as an excuse to bail - and keep his "stories" about me going so he doesn't have to look at himself.)
But after I decided to "be still" and just leave him be and look at my stuff, we were still living together. I decided to stop caring about his avoidance, porn, emotional issues, etc. Except that they kept triggering me - and it was becoming impossible for me to heal in his presence. It was like an open wound that kept getting jabbed at with his put-downs, sarcasm, and power trips.
So I asked him to leave. He did and came right back. I asked him a second time a week later, and this time he left for good.
It's not been easy. Of course, I wanted an intact family, a sibling for my daughter, a father in the picture, and so on. But the truth is, I have done so much amazing work in these past 8 months that I would not have been able to do in the face of constant negativity from him.
He can tell himself "She made me leave" "She yelled at me" "She's an angry bitch" or whatever he wants. Truth is, he is all the things he thinks I am and he's using me as an excuse to not grow up, be a deadbeat, not commit, not look at his stuff.
Don't do this job FOR your husband. Let him do his own heavy lifting. Once you disengage and work on your stuff, he will be left with his own stuff to face. But not a minute before then - as long as you're in the picture trying to control it all and get him tested for this and that, he doesn't have to look. He freaked out when you left because he ALMOST HAD TO LOOK - and he wanted you back for cover. Soothing. Comfort. But now that you're back, it's a return to the very same issues that were there in the first place -
His very deep ambivalence about intimacy and ownership in real ways.
Hate to say it, May, but you can't make him do this work.
I think I said it a zillion times, hope it's crystal clear now. I hope you get help for you.
