W was going out for a bit after work. She sent a text stating she met a new (female) friend at work and was sorry she was running late. I simply responded, “ok. Have fun! I appreciate you letting me know.” She responded that she was surprised that I wasn’t upset. …I realize now that I used to get mad any time she didn’t follow my plan or keep me immediately in the loop. I know this stems from trust issues from the past affair.. These issues were never dealt with.
I had a great time having dinner with our son, playing, and putting him to bed.
She came home very late, drunk, crying, and wanting to talk. I didn’t let the conversation go on too long before I coaxed her to bed. I didn’t want to have this conversation while she was inebriated.
Some of the points she was trying to make… *She wants to make our relationship work but doesn’t know if she can. She doesn’t know how to get the feelings back. She said the fact that she hasn’t moved out is proof that she wants it to work. (this is the first time she’s mentioned moving out…) I said that I don’t have the magic answer, but that’s why I found us a counselor that specializes in marriage counseling. She said she doesn’t believe that counseling has a purpose when one partner is unsure, but she is still willing to go. Our first session is tonight.
*She said that I’m her best friend and that she wants to do everything with me. We were on/off many times while dating (5 years prior to marriage). She thinks maybe we’re just codependent and can’t let go.
*I didn’t bring it up, but she said this isn’t about “someone else” (EA? PA?) I didn’t dig further into this topic. I assume there is an EA at a minimum.
*She got briefly frustrated because I wasn’t saying much. I just hugged her and said I love you and I want to make this work.
*She is depressed. I don’t know if she could be more unhappy. She hates where we live. She’s see a personal therapist (been to one session) but he doesn’t prescribe meds. I’ve known her for years and have never seen her this depressed. I don’t know how to tell her I think she needs meds without risking a fight.
*She didn’t go to work today… she said her personal life is too distracting. I said that work is a good distraction from the personal life. She was adamant that she couldn’t go there. I wonder if part of last night’s sadness/frustration had something to do with the possible OM (coworker…).
While typing this she sent me an email saying “thanks for being so amazing lately.”
We need help.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
The night before last we went to our first MC session.
On the way there W was in a pleasant mood. She said she didn’t understand why the situation seemed so dire over the last two weeks. She said she’s now feeling more like 80% of her thinks this will work. During the MC session she said she isn’t going to go get a divorce.
We had a good talk during the session. We agreed that we don’t talk at all… we talk about tasks, chores, and our son. There’s no spark to our communication. We don’t ever talk about anything interesting. We also don’t do anything together. Our interests are worlds apart.
We put together a to do list including a “Art of Conversation” worksheet to review. This involves talking about topics other than work, chores, etc. and learning to be active listeners. The to do list also included doing things together: going to church, exercising, mini-trips, etc.
She held my hand when we left. She sat on my lap while we waited for our take-out dinner to be ready.
Yesterday she presented additional ideas of things we can do together. I made a point to sit down and look her in the eyes and actually LISTEN. I then got a piece of paper and wrote these ideas down so we are less likely to forget.
She's again brought up options for a vacation for us in June.
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I can tell that there are obviously still some uncertainties going through her head. She’s still depressed. But at least she’s still going to therapy. She’s expressed that she doesn’t want to take medication. I wish I could change her mind. I hate to see her hurting.
I feel confused about how to proceed. Obviously I want to do all of the things brought up in MC. However, my detaching/pulling away seems to be bringing her closer.
I HAVEN’T been saying, “I love you” as we go to bed. I haven’t been reaching out to hold her hand. I haven’t been starting up as many small conversations.
I HAVE been cheerful and happy. I have been doing more activities on my own. I have been dressing better. I’ve been trying to remind her of the person I was when we fell in love.
How do I proceed from here? Obviously what I was doing wasn’t working for us. But at the same time I don’t know that pulling away is still beneficial?
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
My last post was on Friday. Things were looking up. Today is Tuesday and this is no longer the case.
*Saturday* we went to her favorite area in town. We drove around looking at dream houses closer to the city. We went to lunch at one of her favorite restaurants. That evening we looked at potential vacation destinations.
*Sunday* I did some work around the yard and she did some work inside. At one point she said, "huh. I guess living in the suburbs isn't so bad. I might be able to do this." Another time she said, "If you keep being like you've been the last two weeks I think we'll be ok."
She also said I was turning into my father and that I needed to get out and do things. I've always been an introvert but these days I might go out with friends once per month. I'm not up on current events or politics (her passion). I work on hobbies and tasks. I'm loyal. I've also probably slowly turned into someone really boring.
Sunday night she held me close. She said "I love you" multiple times.
*Monday* morning she left for work and gave me a big playful hug and a kiss. I went to work feeling like a king. She held me close when going to sleep.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
*Tuesday* (today) I feel like we went back to the beginning.
She brought up the conversation. I don't think I said more than a handful of words. I listened and then excused myself. I needed time to myself. I didn't get angry. I told her that I do have strong feelings for her.
Her points (again...) *She's not feeling "it" *It's not fair to me to stay in this relationship *She doesn't know what to do. She's not sure if space is needed. *She wonders if we should have just split the last time we had problems (when she had an affair) *She loves me as a friend and loves me with our Son. She needs me with him. *She doesn't feel that counseling will help. She said a counselor can't make you feel love. She said we "know how to talk to each other so why go to counseling" *She has no idea what to do. She said it's so hard to figure out because of our son.
My Questions: *If she asks for space (asks me to leave) what do I say or do? This is my home! I don't want to go stay with family. I don't want to be away from my son.
*I guess I just keep doing my 180 for me? It was hard today. I had to walk away from the conversation before I got emotional.
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Side notes: She's on her phone again all the time... she's constantly on Facebook. Our weekend was great but now that she's back at work things are horrible. My suspicion is still that there's someone else at her work. She just left to go to a friends house for a while. One of her friends called while we were driving home from work. It turns out she has a "photo shoot" (lingerie style) scheduled in a few weeks. She said she was planning it as a surprise for me. For me? Really... I'm not buying it. Do I just keep ignoring these obvious behaviors?
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
She was kind this morning. I slept horribly and can't focus.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
don't make it your passion but get interested...allow her to share her passion with you
for example
Cori's passion is shooting and firearms...not mine but he wanted to teach me to shoot (not my favorite idea) but I figured, why not? It allows us time to be together and he can share this passion with me I will never be a member of the NRA but I can learn to shoot I can take an interest enough to remember things he tells me so I can reference it later I can take mental notes so when a birthday or important event comes up, I am ready...I ask questions and am interested in his answers
you can't let the things she says rattle you (I know...easier said than done)
you have to remember that she isn't really sure so she has to try out a bunch of things until something fits just right but if you keep changing then she will never know how you fit
you have to be sure
then whatever she says won't change how you feel, how you fit you will be calm and steady and you will be the guiding force she needs to blow those changes against and will be able to guide those winds away
don't make it your passion but get interested...allow her to share her passion with you
for example
Cori's passion is shooting and firearms...not mine but he wanted to teach me to shoot (not my favorite idea) but I figured, why not? It allows us time to be together and he can share this passion with me I will never be a member of the NRA but I can learn to shoot I can take an interest enough to remember things he tells me so I can reference it later I can take mental notes so when a birthday or important event comes up, I am ready...I ask questions and am interested in his answers
you can't let the things she says rattle you (I know...easier said than done)
you have to remember that she isn't really sure so she has to try out a bunch of things until something fits just right but if you keep changing then she will never know how you fit
you have to be sure
then whatever she says won't change how you feel, how you fit you will be calm and steady and you will be the guiding force she needs to blow those changes against and will be able to guide those winds away
Thank you for the post. I guess this is the roller coaster that everyone references...
I wish there were more time in a day. I need to re-read DB & DR. I need to learn/research politics... I have to do more things for myself (180s) and I have to complete the normal daily activities.
I'll have to find a Politics for Dummies type book and start learning.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I've been thinking about the past few conversations my wife and I had about "us."
I've listened. I took notes afterwards trying to put the pieces together. But the one thing I haven't done is talk. I simply repeat that I love her and that I want our marriage to work.
I'm afraid of opening up and appearing needy. Can I ask questions? What should I ask? Do I flat out ask what makes her happy? Do I push for a "love languages" type discussion? I'm terrified of being needy and pushing her further away.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
