@Val: Thank You for your faith and comments. Feeling the rush of misplaced emotions surprised me. I am not acting upon them and having analyzed my response I will guard against doing so. I suspect my soul is starved for companionship (“quality time”” and “acts of service”) so that when I perceived praise I reacted in this manner.
@HIW: I am flattered that you would put in the effort the to review my threads. There is much to learn from so many people on this board. I have difficulty keeping up on the handful of threads I follow. I am confident Nine is still out there slowly healing. He is a survivor. I read your recent posts. You are not Hopeless. None of this is shiny, but you too will make it through. Use the time and insight to improve.
@BeingMe and YC: There is no danger of me pursuing anyone. My take on this is I have more work to do upon myself. If anything I should engage in more group activities. They are safer emoitionaly and should provide opportunities for more human contact
@Gunny: I have great respect for Corpsmen and IMO Bastogne was one of the more memorable episodes in Band of Brothers. I would go back to Edinburgh now having more than Cinderella liberty. My son was recently selected for recruiter duty and will likely be posted within a few hundred miles of his HOR. So in a few months I’ll have greater opportunity to spend time.
Semper Fidelis
Journaling: So the drama continues. Yesterday just before dinner SIL2 called. My Pampered Chef order is in and oh by the way her sister, my W, is stirring up another storm. December 2010 when W made her decision I was accused of many transgressions and abuses. Then when the SILs invited both of us to Thanksgiving the same stories were told, then again with greater vehemence following Christmas. Now the Aunt that functions as one of her surrogate mothers has joined the fray.
I do not accept everything that is being heaped upon me as my responsibility. If our marriage was so terrible why did we stay together for almost 30 years? Why were we the poster couple for the extended family?
SIL2 wanted to tell me that she and SIL1, MIL, FIL, nieces, nephews and most of the extended family believe I am being portrayed unfairly. That I should have faith they have not abandoned me. That they are trying to stay neutral in all of this, and W is hurting them while attacking their memory of us.
So I spent about half an hour validating SIL2 feelings and trying to explain W’s need for a villain. I should have just validated.
It seems the closer we draw to the hearing date the more W needs to convince herself I am the lowest meanest scum that ever drew breath and she is justified in her actions, nay I deserve to be punished and shunned. I believe this is one of those cases when a story is told often enough the teller begins to believe it as fact.
I am left here thinking the best thing I can do is what I have done. Do not intrude, be present, when asked support, do not attack W, validate, validate, validate and stand my ground when pushed too far. Stay the course. Tack a little around the base, but generally hold to it.
I will not be a victim. I am not the persecutor. I will rescue myself. I refuse to participate in her triangle and doing so seems to drive her anger. She pokes not quite impotently with a sharpened stick.
Perhaps I’ll post some quotes about forgiveness to FB, IDK staying dark seems to be fueling her anger again. Perhaps if she sees a benign reaction it will assuage some anger. Perhaps it’ll make it worse.
My FB post. “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. – Buddha” Sort of like 25s which I have already appropriated.
Too subtle? Too much? She probably will not even see it. The kids will and perhaps that will do some good.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
“It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Diary
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
No, you can’t always get what you want No, you can’t always get what you want No, you can’t always get what you want But if you try sometime, you just might find You get what you need - Rolling Stones
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid I'm still standing after all this time Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah - Sir Elton John
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
@TG: Yes, it has been a long road, and there is more to travel. Opportunities to learn, to improve never stop arriving. Will we perceive them? Will we take advantage of them? Do we have the courage to follow through? Each of us must decide for ourselves.
I feel compelled to express this to you:
A long time ago in Beirut I lost good friends, brothers. Sitting at home in my new life watching the story unfold on CNN I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. I know it is not rational and with the ROE at the time I could have done nothing. It was not even my unit. Still the guilt was present.
XW and commitment to the marriage was a big part of my coping mechanism at the time. Last year with my life crashing down around me the guilt and grief surfaced. Combined with everything else I prepared to take an out to end the pain.
I wept on this board. A post from you that I read as “so bad things happen, get on with life” became a catalyst. I was cryptic and you could not have known the depth of action I was preparing to take.
Though was close I did not break then; this does not break me now.
I feel mostly at peace. There are stronger emotions I am still working through occasionally. Understanding some of what lead to this empowers me to avoid additional pitfalls elsewhere and this lends to peace.
@HW: Hopeless you are not. Court is a ritualized application of the laws governing the legal aspect of this drama. Basically we reviewed for the record the contract previously agreed to. This was done with the Judge guiding the process and a court recorder documenting our responses while under oath. The court prefers to execute this as efficiently as possible with as little emotion as possible.
The judge told XW’s attorney to advise his client she was required to respond audibly. Each L verbally reviews the agreement with their client and XW began to nod her head instead of saying yes. Even this part, the manner the judge advised XW to speak her responses had a form to it.
I understand your sarcasm. You will get through what lies ahead and there is nothing guaranteeing my course is yours. I do not believe in pre ordained futures. I believe our futures are what we make of them and what we make them to be.
@Val: Thank You! We still have a few drinks to stand for…someday.
I am sorry for your pain and the journey you’ve been on. I received something good from it and mine. You are my daughter’s age, possibly more important your orientation is similar. Following your threads helped me relate to my daughter and accept her.
Seeing you as an adult women going though the same pain I was going though gave me the insight I needed to see my daughter’s commitment to her relationship as real.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
JS, the week during bomb, i actually took a bottle of my h. painskillers and sat them on my coffee table. That lasted about one day, i could never do that to my kids. And thnkfully it looks like we won't end up in court. Just signing in l. office. You are amazingly strong. I really don't like my screen name. I'm not hopeless, but not hopeful either. I don't know what I am. This has been such a whirlwind. Sometimes I can't even believe it is happening. I hope to achieve some peace like you.
@Val: Thank You! We still have a few drinks to stand for…someday.
I am sorry for your pain and the journey you’ve been on. I received something good from it and mine. You are my daughter’s age, possibly more important your orientation is similar. Following your threads helped me relate to my daughter and accept her.
Seeing you as an adult women going though the same pain I was going though gave me the insight I needed to see my daughter’s commitment to her relationship as real.
When I read this.. it made me cry. JS - I'm SO glad that you can now accept and relate to your daughter. I can tell you.. it really truly is NEVER too late.
Do not be too sorry for me dear friend. Good things have come from my experience for BOTH of us.
((( )))
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
