Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[ouroboros]

I just meant anyone in your life that knows you. To a large extent she is, but you are married to her and whatever people say about your W - will reflect on you and your R. The only thing you have to gain by this becoming public knowledge right now is other people's sympathy. Is that what you want, for people to feel sorry for you?

Ah no, that's not my goal at all. The only reason I'd have for 'letting the cat out of the bag' would be to have one or two specific friends confront W so that she'd be in a place to confess to me.
And, your point is well made--even if it worked the way I imagine, at the very least it comes with other negative consequences.

If you want to repair your M someday, hanging your W out to dry & take all the stigma of cheating is not something I could recommend.

Absolutely. If it came across (intentionally or not) as me trying to hurt her by exposing this to people, it's a huge slap in her face.
But, are you telling me that her friends would just sympathize with her and it would make the stigma part of this feel more bearable for W? I think this is the central thing about which I'm confused--it sort of seems to me that it would be more pressure and stigma if it was exposed to other people. Maybe not.

I know you feel like lashing out in some way, but this would hurt both of you & the added pressure of what your friends, family and community think of you and your M, is not healthy or something you would want. So do something else to vent your anger constructively, you know exercise or hit a punchbag.

Yeah there's plenty of ways this makes me angry. And confused, hurt, betrayed, anxious, abandoned, remorseful. And, on good days--it makes me hopeful.
But I'm working those constructively as you recommend. Venting here is definitely one of them. And working out 3-4 times week. And fishing. And journaling. And reading (DB and others). And a DB coach. And IC. And cooking.

Maybe in the back of my mind there's some sort of punishment I want to give W for all this. But, primarily that's NOT my goal. Hell, I know W well enough that this secrecy and deceit are gnawing away at her soul. Here's what I see:

Admission: I think this is the best thing. All along I've been trying to find out how I can get her to admit EA/PA to me. I tried in MC, but W didn't take the bait. If she was in a place to admit this to me and to be honest, I think it would open a positive flood that could move us both forward substantially. Also, I could stop being distracted from DBing--this isn't the time to mess up my detaching.

Ignoring: Lets her continue with her fantasy, and possibly rekindle the EA/PA. I'm sure that it light a fire in her, that the excitement and thrill of it all were a major motivation pushing it so quickly to the bomb. At some point, it has to come out and it has to be clear this is completely out-of-bounds for me. Also, I don't think W has a concept of EA. I'm almost positive the bomb came before she made motions to make it a PA. So, if it wasn't a PA, then to W I'll wager it wasn't cheating. Even if it's ended (for now), I can't figure out if letting this stay this way is a good idea. It's completely possible that she's feeding off of a secret EA in a way that she thinks I'll leave her if I find out about it. That seems to be a good thing if it's happening.

Confronting: It is lesser option. I'm taking the initiative, not W, so the timing will be off for her. Also, possibility of rash decisions on her part. But, on a different level, it's me acting in a completely appropriate way. Under any other circumstance, I'd have called her out on this nearly immediately like any other good H. But, if she can't handle that shame or feels like I'm angry, it'll just make things worse at least in the short term.

[...] When the penny drops for you, you'll start to understand all of this - like I said it took me more than a month for it to happen to me. You have to come to some realisations for yourself.

Anybody got a penny I can borrow?
In all seriousness, helping me understand this is a really important thing for me right now--so thanks.
And please bear with me if I'm asking the same thing 4 times in different ways.