Please anyone, I need advice. When doing a peoplesmart search on possible other man, I ran one on W. Turns out she has a hotmail account that I didmt know about. What should I do? Send an email on it so she knows that I know, ask her about it, or what. She has kept things from me in the past. Or do I just try to forget about it which Im having an awful time doing. I need someone elses insite on this please!
Have you read DB/DR? Do you have the 37 rules? My recommendation is to focus on the advice they offer and on yourself, and pay no attention to her email account. You might try invisioning a big STOP sign or snapping a rubber band on your wrist when you start obsessing about things that are not within your control.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes, it is probably is nothing. After two months of separation there has been no change in her attitude.She was uncomfortable to have me in her house. Her friend and her had beeb walking the dog when I got there. She hung around for a bit.She looked at W like"are you okay". I asked W if she was afraid to be alone with me. What does she say to her friends? These are all people that were my friends too. I could never hurt her. I guess I shouldnt have dropped by. I wonder if there is too much damage done.
ND, A big part of detachment for me was finding ways to take my focus off what my W was saying and doing. A big part of DB for me was focusing upon myself and improving what I could about myself. You can only take responsibility for yourself and your actions at this point. Focusing upon what she is doing will prevent you from focusing upon yourself.
Accuracy posted about “The Three Faces Of The Victim” IMO a google search of this will be more productive than focusing on what your W is saying or doing or on the OM. IMO we all find ourselves upon the triangle at points in our lives, some get stuck.
Cadet posts a series of links that are a wealth of information. Right click his name while logged on and find them. Or Cadet if you see this could you post them here.
Over on MLC there is a thread of resources in a sticky at the top of the first page. Not that your W is in MLC or not, just much of what can be found there is useful.
Please read DB and or DR again, please shift the focus to what you can control, to what you can improve, to self. There is weeks of information to sift through. One can only absorb it so fast and doing so requires focus.
Lastly, I did the rubber band snap on my wrists for months as means of stopping angry and obsessive behavior.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Thanks JS, I know ive got to quit obsessing over W. We've been together for so long its hard to think of it ending like this. After seeing her last night, I'm wondering if I can ever make her happy again. I've got to keep working on myself and hope she will she the changes. I will start reading now.
I am not going to tell you what's happening or that nothing is happening I am just going to say I have seen a lot of sitches and where there is smoke there is fire...
Usually but not always.
You can get caught up in trying to prove it, confronting etc.
IMO a waste of time...others may disagree.
BUT
I would like to know what I'm dealing with and I did when it came down to it.
I knew BEFORE I got here. No question.
So I don't know what to tell you what to do here.
There is a world of hurt in knowing I can tell you and maybe you can just tell yourself that it is happening and act accordingly.
No matter what you SHOULD act accordingly whether you decide to find out for sure or not.
What do you think?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I agree with you truegritter, I will act in the right manner no matter whats going on. After my meeting with W, I havent thought much about OM. I dont think shes interested in any man right now. For the time being I think she is content to be alone. She certainly doest want me around. I dont know if she ever will. We'll see after the next two months.
I need to stop the snooping and sit back and wait.
I was thinking about you the other day and realized that you are growing the next crop of fast food hamburger (you said you had corn and soybean, right?)... so I figured I'd order a double bacon cheeseburger in advance...
When you say "alone", I'm guessing you mean it as in, "no romantic relationship"... and that could be very true for her... but not alone...
My own experience with my W was for the first year (I don't want to scare you with length of time or the fact that my W and I will likely be D by fall of this year) my W was out a lot, including with OM or "OM like" people, in which I have plenty of picture and video evidence of a woman who is... well... behaving with these men in ways that a single, prowling school or college girl might...
yeah... that didn't work so well for me...
But for at least the past 6 months or so, that behaviour has changed significantly. She is out a lot with friends, yes... or having friends over... but they are just gurl-frens for the most part for chick flicks and a bottle of wine... and yes, OM might be part of that "group"... but as my W said recently... and I may be naive to believe this, but this doesn't come just from my W... is that she has no "romantic" relationship with anyone...
Point is, it is possible that your W will not be alone and moping, like we'd all like to see our spouses once the separation occurs... nope... that doesn't happen so much... they more likely surround themselves with their support group and try to pretend that life is "normal"...
It seems to work for them... you might want to try it...
I think it's hard for the LBS to understand... yes, there are many betraying spouses out there who DO shack up with an OP... but in some many cases... don't forget why they "left" us...
'cause they "lost that lovin' feelin'"... not for us... they lost it... like they lost their capacity to do so... with anyone... and lord knows they probably tried to find it for us... or for the OP... or themselves... but they just can't... those who are "involved" with an OP may just be going through the motions or at best... the "rituals"... of an intimate relationship...
