Like several other board members, I'm not exactly new here. I spent quite a bit of time on these boards several years back. That R didn't get saved but I learned a lot. Never enough, it seems.
In the midst of a new R, I didn't seem to need all those tools I'd learned about. By the time I did need them, they weren't so readily at hand.
I've spent some time kicking myself for being so stupid, for getting into this same old spot again. I realize that I need to do some deeper personal work to get to the bottom of what drives destructive R habits. When I'm paying attention, I do just fine, but when I get lazy, it all goes to he!!
Ok so you have figured out that DB isn't just for R that are in trouble? I hope
Yes there are tools that you don't need when things are good, but there are tools that you can always keep with you...
That is a mistake that people tend to make when they enter a new R or even into piecing. Things are good, so we don't think we have to do work, don't have to pay attention...
Actually, I think the opposite is true. We have to do the work and pay attention so that we don't get to bad spots (or not really bad spots). Communication, affection, listening, love languages, validation, consideration, maintaining a sense of individuality, recognizing the others right to be their own person, low expectations...
I say low instead of no, because when we are in a committed loving relationship, we all have expectations. We just need to be aware that they aren't unreachable, they aren't over the top, and that we don't wear rose colored glasses where our partner is concerned.
I am sorry that you have found yourself back here, but as you know, it's a good place to find your footing again.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
