He asked for divorce after coming back from Iraq..

[A&J2009]

Hello everyone. I got to this forum by accident and I’m so happy I found it. I’ve been reading your life stories and it helps me to cope with my situation every day for the last month. I wanted to write my own here but at the same time I’ve been trying to keep my mind of my problem and not focus on it but I figured in order to share it with you and get your precious advices I need to put my guts together and write it down from the beginning.
I’m Russian and I live where it is cold, mob, bears and vodka and all that stuff, so you understand where I am right now. yeah, pretty far from where most of you are:( and from my H (so excuse me my typos and mistakes, english is not my native language). I met H 3 years ago on FB after breaking long and painful previous relationships for both of us (his and my ex were cheating). He was 22 at that time and I was 24, it was his third year in Marine Corps, he got back from deployment and was hanging out at the base in California. We started talking a lot, it was like love at first letterJ I know it sounds immature but it felt like it, we were talking everyday on skype for 4 or 5 hours, trying to know every little detail about each other. I knew from then that I’ll be waiting for him and I did, I refused to go to the US first, I wanted him to come to russia and meet my family and after 5 months of our relationships on distance he came to me, it was like a fairytale, even after three years I think about it and have a smile on my face. We got married on december 30th, my birthday. My parents and my sister were at the wedding, and his family was upset they couldn’t be at the wedding. after it he had to go back to the states and continued his service and I started doing the papers, it took us almost a year to get the wife visa done for me to actually come to him,
I don’t even know how we afforded him flying to me to russia 4 time the same year and still being in Marine Corps. But all this time we were writing letters to each other throughout the day to let each other know we’re always there and thinking of each other. I was getting ready for work next to web camera watching him go to sleep (cause of the time difference, my day was his night), and then vice verse. Even that I could be with him for a couple of weeks every three months I was the happiest woman on earth, I’ve never gotten so much love from any man. I couldn’t stop smiling. Then finally everything was done and I flew to Los Angeles, he got a beautiful apartment for us in Lanuga Niguel away from base and marines. He didn’t have much work to do at that time and we were just enjoying ourselves, we lived there for 6 months, I can honestly say there were the happiest 6 months in my life. We had a couple of fights but like every other couple that starts to live together, getting used to each other, me complaining once in a while that he played to much video games. We started worrying what to do closer to the end of summer cause his contract with marine corps was almost over and he had no clue what to do next. We were applying for every security job but it turned out to be harder than we thought. He got offered a contract to iraq as a private contractor with one of the best companies and he was so proud of it but it meant another 4 or 5 months away from each other, I didn’t like it at all, I was freaking out but at the end I accepted it cause we no other options. We moved to Illinois to his parents for a month before him going to iraq and me going back to my family in russia, and thats when our first big fights started.
Before meeting his parents he told me that they were awkward and close minded that him and his ex had a lot of problems when he brought her home, but I thought I would just be nice and try to show them how much their son means to me and I care about him and they will accept me. But I never knew that my H would be much bigger issue than his parents. Yes he was right, his parents didn’t accept me very nice, well I’m russian, for their town of 5 000 people in the middle of illinois is like little zoo monkey that you stare at but don’t touch, but I appreciated that they let us stay in their house, with a little pomeranian puppy that we had with us. I understood that my H wanted to spend time with his family but I didn’t think that he would act like i’m not part of his family, like no matter what I was doing I was constantly bothering him. He was mad at me all the time, told me that I was complaining and nagging and that all of a sudden I was driving him crazy. I think it's natural that in the town and the house where you don’t know anyone you rely on your H only at the beginning But at a certain point he told me he wanted to spend time just with his family. i was devastated, I’m his family too now, i’m his wife! he stayed at my family house three times and I never told him leave early I want to spend time just with my family. we went to 4 day Rendezvous, I’ve never gone camping before in my life, and here for 4 days 5 people sleep in the same tent In the middle of the summer with 120 degrees out. I was holding myself together for him, trying to show that it's important for him and I can do it, but the second day I felt that I had a heat stroke and when his mom came to pick his little brother home I asked H to take me home so I could take cold shower and sleep in the bed and come back next morning, he said - if you feel sick my mom will take you home and will take care of you, but this camping is a family tradition and that he had missed the last 4 and not planning on going anywhere. I was literally begging him to take me home and that his mom doesn’t have to take care of me, but he refused to talk in private and he yelled at me and said that I had never done anything hard in my life( sorry I’ve never joined marine corps, he has no pity for any pain that you feel, he thinks that if he can handle it that it's bearable and you can handle it too) and if I want to know if he was wrong we should discuss it with his parents!! Like we’re 15! And like I don’t know who they are going to protect.as a thought his father started yelling at me that it’s a family tradition and you’re taking him away from us, and I was standing and crying and didn’t know how to explain to three grown up people that I’m gonna faint in 10 minutes and I just want my H to take me home. At the end he yelled fine, but he’s not gonna come back to the camp tomorrow and will go to iraq 2 weeks earlier because that’s what I want to take him away from his family. of course the next day we came back to the camp and he acted like nothing happened but no one talked to me:( and he made me apologize to his dad that I was feeling sick and asked his son to take me home. My H said he would never forgive me for taking him from there and he never did. He would put it in every fight. every time we fight he brings all the bad stuff about me he can think of.

Later he went to Iraq and I came back to Russia, everything seemed to get back to our normal routine. He was working there, and I was worrying about him all the time,writing each other,talking on skype, he would go dark for 3 days for some work and then come back quiet and depressive and hardly talked to me, I knew that something was bothering him, but I never thought I had a right to ask. I just offered if he wanted to share smth with me I would listen to him, but he never did. It happened several times. He just kept saying - I want to get out of this place, cant take it anymore. 4 months later he came back home to his parents from iraq, and we decided that before he gets another job he will come to russia for 3 months, it will be cheaper and I’ll be working and he’s gonna get some rest after the deployment. I know I made a mistake that I started pushing him to getting his russian visa done 2 or 3 days right after getting back. He tried to explain that he just got back from iraq and he's trying to adjust to civilian life and he doesn’t have a car there and he needs to take his family cars and they are all at work all the time, but I missed him so much I didn’t want to wait another month till visa gets done. And I couldn’t even understand what it was like to spend 4 months in iraq and come back to everything normal again. I admit that I was nagging.

H came to me two weeks later, we had have a couple of big fights over the phone before that and when he got to me he was still kinda upset, but everything got better in a couple of days. We were living with my parents and they absolutely loved him. I was working full time 5 days a week and was pretty stressed out at work, first month everything was good but I could see something was wrong with him, he was very quiet, he could just sit in the room and not even get outside all day, just sit and play video games constantly, H told me he couldn't relax no matter what he did, he felt like he’s constantly analyzing everything around him, couldn’t concentrate on one thing. he would be nice to my family and to me, but I could feel that he’s not the way he used to be, he doesn’t hold me and kiss me all the time, he would go and get me from work every evening and we would go eat.
Everyday he kept saying I just need a job, what are we gonna do? It was his everyday phrases to me like good morning, so I would be sitting at my work and filling dozens of online applications for his job, and sent him all the opened positions I could find. And then at night he would tell me that today he filled out two applications and spent an hour from the whole day on it, the rest was video games. When I knew I spend 3 or 4 hours everyday at my work apart from my duties doing the same for him. And I would come home there would be mess in the room and snacks everywhere so I would start cleaning. Of course I was nagging about him not trying hard and I was trying to take too much on me, cause I knew if we didn’t find him job he’d be back to iraq or afghanistan for another 5 months.

I felt like my life was on pause. i forgot about my needs completely, he was on my mind 24/7. Three months later we went back to the states to his parents, with still no job, I spent two weeks there, and i was actually getting along a lot better with his parents, and I absolutely love his grandparents from both sides. I had to come back to work in russia because we couldn’t afford us both sitting with no jobs, so we decided he would stay with his parents and as soon as he gets a job I’ll come to him. I wanted to go back to California, cause its easier for me to find a job there rather then in small town in illinois. I came back to russia on the 9th of february and got the worst cold and fever after 25 hours of flight. I was laying in bed not going to work and was expecting that my H would be calling me and talking to me and supporting me, but he would call me for 20 minutes and then leave so after three days of this, I asked him to not go get lunch with his family and stay with me longer to talk cause I felt really bad and would appreciate his support, he said – f**k no, I’m tired of sitting here and staring at you sick, I want to go have fun and spend time with my family. and left. I was texting him and he was texting me to go to sleep and stop complaining and that I was driving him insane. Then I called him 5 times around 9pm, he never picked up. He picked up for a sec and said – I’m in a bar and hung up. I had a fever and I could barely control myself so I called him a lot of times!! He didn’t pick up till 2 am drunk and said he’s at his friends house. So I started texting if you don’t come back home to sleep we’re done. I’m not proud that night. The next day I didn’t call him cause I was mad that I was sick and he left me and went to have fun and made me go thought that. At 6am next day he texted me – Anastasia, I’m done. I want a divorce. !!!

The scariest morning in my life. I called him and cried saying he cant do that, and he was very calm and said – it was crazy last night and that he’s been thinking about it for some time, he was not happy the last couple of months and that he’s sick of me constantly controlling him and constant nagging, and that he went to iraq for us, went through hell and I didn’t appreciate it, I didn’t give him time to adjust (after thinking and reading and watching about it I think he has some PTSD problems), that I was pushing him all the time, that I don’t give him see his friends and family and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore…
So its been two months since then. I did everything – I begged him to think, I cried, i pleaded, I told that I don’t agree, was constantly calling him and asking for a second chance. But he ignored me, and if he would write smth back it would be – I still feel the same, don’t want to think about it anymore, I’m thinking of finding a job right now, i’m done with it, i’m moving on and you should move on as well.its hard but it will get better.I was laying in a hospital for several days cause I couldn’t eat, I’m sure you understand me, and all he said – I hope you feel better soon. And he was just partying with friends and adding 3 or 4 new girls on FB every night, hundred girls for the last 2 months. And I couldn’t understand how my loving, caring and dearest man turned into cold stone. he talked to my mom on skype, and he told her that in Marine Corps they taught them how to get ready before deployments to not feel anything, to kinda keep your mental health after from seeing all those things. He said he feels like he never got back. And he said – I’m sorry cause I can see it's hurting you and my W but I don’t feel anything.
The last two months I was in hell. But we got from - I want divorce and don’t want to talk about it to - I’m not filing yet because it’s a big decision and I still want divorce but I’m confused. I got dark for 2 weeks, with no contact at all, and I called him for his birthday (april 6th) and we ended up talking for an hour and when we got to R talk he said that he’s confused and he thinks that I already had someone and if we try to get back together he would think about it all the time and think that I just don’t tell him about it. Of course I didn’t have anyone for these two months!! I feel like zombi! But I didn’t start begging him again to give me a chance I just said that I’m not seeing anyone and I’m waiting for him and that I think that we shouldn’t discuss it until he gets a job and gets this weight of his shoulders and breathe out a little bit and then we’ll talk about it again. He said ok.
I found a position in California that he would like to get, applied for him, he went through interview and got the job so now he’s moving to Ca in less than a month and he never even said thank you! So I’m sitting here, and don’t even know what to do. The worst thing is that I have green card, I can't leave the states for a long time and cause of his deployment I had to leave for 6 months,and when I came back for 2 weeks in february i got warning not to do it again, so now its already been two months away for me and the longer he’s not saying anything the less chances I have even to go to him.
He’s not trying to contact me, not telling me I drive him crazy anymore, but he took off his ring, and just living his life. And I feel used and broken.
thats kinda long but i feel like it would give better picture of the whole situation for those of you who find 5 hours to read it all:) i would really appreciate some advice because i feel like i’m in limbo.


“Everything passes and this too will pass.”

M 26
H 24
T 3
M 2
Dog 1
Bomb 2/13/2012
living in different countries