Well, there you go! Tough questions and some kind words. Thanks Kaffe.
I chose her because she's fun and funny, humble and kind, warm and welcoming, honest and honorable, stable and sane, and she had excellent references from a good friend of mine. All those things are true, but the stable and sane things look slightly different from the perspective of an R rather than a friendship.
In the long run, of course, being lazy doesn't serve me at all. In the short term, it comes out of lack of confidence and, I think, a subconscious testing - the desire for someone to love and accept me unconditionally. Not realistic or healthy, let alone effective, but there it is.
She was planning on taking the cats. Then an opportunity involving work and travel arose. She said, "See, if I didn't have encumbrances like cats or a significant other, then I could consider things like this." And I said I would take care of the cats. Depending on what pans out for her, they may be here for several months or she may be back for them in a few weeks. I'm glad they're at least here now. Yes, they are comforting and they are also the last tangible tie.
Yes, I'm attached to this area (not my house or the distance from town). At the least, I'd prefer it to be the home base for extended adventures. I'm willing to consider other scenarios, but I wouldn't take it lightly.
I didn't realize that P had never lived in a rural setting and she was genuinely excited about our plans.
I was particularly concerned about moving beyond my place and her place to 'our place'. I didn't expect her to be happy here in the long term. I think progress to the next step was too slow and discouragement is part of what she's feeling. She's now in the process of selling the land to interested neighbors.
Yes, it's mostly her words that betray ambivalence. Her actions aren't so fuzzy right now. Packing up all her stuff and selling the land are clear and definitive actions. That she remains open and present and warm (and wants to cuddle) may or may not be ambivalent, but it's confusing at least.
It's interesting that you suggest that she may have wanted reassurance of commitment from me. I don't think that's something she doubted. I think it's more that she needs to see my strengths (yes, so I can be there for her in the ways that she wants me to). I was playing to my weaknesses and I wasn't being someone she wanted to be with. She forgot what she liked about me. She forgot that she ever had liked anything. Now she at least remembers.
