I guess I can be here now

[25yearsmlc]

You have a TOUGH situation and it IS confusing.

I didn't know about things like the weight parameters still...does he have a great body or what? Are you way out of shape?
Aren't you one of those women (I hate) who loses ALL the weight she gained, in a month?
Man, that itself is a tough thing to hear, with a baby not even a year old. And are you still nursing too? Criminy!

I'm super pissed that I can't be super pissed.

why can't you be pissed? Who said you could not be angry?

We've had two MC sessions since I last posted, and in the first one, he said some line of BS that followed along the same vein as the bomb last year. Which I think is complete and total crap. Even the T said, "I don't understand... I thought this was getting better."

To which I said, "It was getting better. I don't believe anything coming out of his mouth, and I'm not going to listen to it" and I walked out. We drove separate cars (he came directly from work), so I put the baby seat in his car and left.

When he got home, he said, "I'm sorry, I do want things to work out... maybe we can go on a date tomorrow"

so he is SAYING the right things, at times, but not following up with action, correct? He acts very confused.

(one of his complaints is that we don't go on dates, which is untrue seeing as I PLAN and PAY for them. We've had 3 in the past 2 weeks). I said, "ok, yeah, you do that. If all this was true, why the F did you ask me to come home? I was happy. I had a 3 bedroom apt with my sister. I was independent. I had a year lease. Why did you ask me to move home if you were just 'giving it a shot'?" (another BS line he threw out there during the session). Of course, he couldn't come up with an answer, and of course, he did nothing in the way of planning a date.

Has there been date time yet? Don't bring it up b/c maybe he is planning one but wasn't ready b/c you went off with your peeps...do NOT bring it up or you'll negate any good he'd get out of planning b/c you will make him feel forced...

The good news is I think him saying "let's go on dates" sounds as if he wants to connect with you on a non parental level. Man to woman.

Yes, I know you have a child now, and I can see that it would be annoying to pretend otherwise or for him to require your whole attention--but the thing is, a lot of men at their core-

have deeply mixed feelings when their first child is born.

Suddenly they are sharing their wives in a most intimate way, at first the child may in the bed and suckles on the breast (and the h goes to the couch & works the next day b/c he did not get Paternity leave...super fun for him after a few weeks)

and as the child often is IN their bed or bedroom -it interferes with sleep and sex, and that's in addition to time w/o sex after the baby...

and new mothers (understandably) focus A LOT on the baby and

there are men who won't admit it but do resent it...he sounds so conflicted. He wants to be a mature man and a good h and father...but his "genetic code" is so FLAWED...

So if he doesn't plan a date SOON--
just let that go. And IF he does plan a date, THANK GOD & enjoy it...

Then I went on my girls weekend, which was great (and uneventful, which is what I needed).

And then I came back, and we had another MC today, and even the therapist said, "H, I think you're confused.... you need some clarity, and you need to give her specifics as to what you expect if you're unhappy. W, what would you need from him for the ball to get rolling again."

M: I need him to get a full physical and get his testosterone tested and get into individual counseling.
H: What will that prove?
M: If you have low test. then that might explain your lack of sex drive. And it might explain your depression.
H: Who said I have depression?
T: Do you think you have depression?
H: I don't know....
T: Well, we've only done the MMPI with you. Based on your family of origin, I think it would be wise to do some additional personality testing to see if you have a genetic mood disorder.

Wow I cannot believe SHE said that^^^ or that YOU said that...but YAY.

What is HIS explanation for less sex? That you are "wrong" in your perception or what? (IS it less than before, or has he always been this way?)


H: Ok. I have to notify my company for my security clearance.
T: That's fine.
H: How much will it cost?
T: A copay, usually.
M: I'll pay for it if you take it.


um, YIKES!...why would you say that? Is he that cheap or just avoidant? (I'm NOT making a fighting cat noise, just asking...)

T: Ok, so that sounds like some things that he can work on.
LONG PAUSE
M: I need to know what he wants from me.
LONG PAUSE
T: Well, I think the finances are a strong theme I detect. And taking care of your physical appearance.
M: Yes, but how much? For what? How quickly? What do you want the physical appearance to be? What size? What weight? What measurements?
T: Well, usually we don't try to define those things for the appearance. Usually it's a 'work out X times per week...'
M: Ok, so what are they?
H: Well, I don't know just... more....
M: NO! NO, I'm not doing this wishy washy crap! You need to give me parameters. You do this to people all the time. You are pissed with them, they try to make it work, you make some vague suggestions and then when they do what they think is right based on what you've said, you come up with some lame excuse as to how it wasn't what you wanted. You slip right out of it.
H: I do?

I am glad you spoke your mind. And it's interesting that he asked whether he really does...he noted it. You may have planted a seed.

M: Yes (proceeds to tell him multiple occasions). So, no, sorry, you're not doing it to me. You tell me what you want, and I will rise to the occasion. You watch.

Do you WANT to do that??^^^ To prove what? That's it him, not you? Well Maybe it is him -and or, maybe these expectations and their specifics, are a little bit insane???

May, you must know I greatly RESPECT your courage and discipline here.

But is this something YOU WANT to "rise to"?

Do you feel these are reasonable expectations for a h to spell out to his WIFE? How does it make you feel?

Are you worried that for unknown reasons, he simply won't ever find you good enough -and you want to remove any articulable reason from his arsenal?

you think by rising to the task, no matter how unreasonable or unkind or unloving or unaccepting it may be, that it will work?

LONG PAUSE


T: Well, H, I guess that's something for you to think about for next session.

Ugh I'm so f-ing fed up with him. I'm so sick of him lying to himself.

I was so happy with my best friend this weekend. I didn't worry about H and his crap. I didn't worry whether or not I should have been doing something else. I didn't want to leave. Not even to come home to my D.

I honestly don't think H would be saying any of this if I hadn't found those things, if I hadn't attacked him, if I hadn't been giving him the 3rd degree.

So yes, this is my fault.


do you believe this^^^? B/C IF YOU DO ,

then the answer to your next question about "what to do", is

NOT let anger dictate your actions and behavior.

At least then you'll have a lot fewer regrets.

So what do I do? Leave until I'm done being angry? Because I'm still angry. And this BS just makes me more angry. He's rewriting history. He's making excuses. Rather than saying, "I don't like it that you're angry", he's saying that he never had rebuilt our relationship. I think because then he would have to say, "Why is my W angry?"

OMG I so relate. If I expressed that my needs were not being met My h would say "well you always say that" OR (my personal fav), "You shouldn't feel angry/lonely/neglected" ...that drove me crazy.
... honestly about 2 sentences spoken from him at the right time could solve a lot. You'd think they'd get it after several years.

And then he would come to the answer "oh, that's right, because I was a huge f-ing d-bag who tried to ruin our lives".

hilarious ^^^^^ (and gee, it's probably why they DON'T ask us what they did that made us feel badly--b/c THAT ^^ might be our answer!)

It's to the point where I want to abandon my family. Not forever and ever. But I just want to ditch for the time being. I want to go to work, and come home, and not owe anything to anyone.

(SIGH) I get it...

I took H's contact information out of my phone. I took him off my latitude (which he immediately asked back. I guess this makes sense seeing as the baby is with me). I think I'm going to take off my wedding ring and sleep on the couch.

I just don't feel like playing the game right now.

May, How is YOUR IC going? And are you reminding yourself of the basics you already know,

eating and sleeping right, caring for yourself, renting or seeing comedies to LAUGH...keep your sister and friends close...let them envelope you with their support and try not to linger on the anger...breathe it out.

You h may well be suffering in his own way AND for all we know, he's actually sick.

"In sickness and in health"...to a point. He DOES have to get help.

b/c this isn't about staying married - at all costs...

but from where I sit, I see 2 people struggling mightily to be married,

and one of them isn't giving up yet...and that's him.


I applaud your efforts - and only ask that you not give up, today...