Wow, this is my relationship to a T, though ex-BF never would have said anything about my appearance, though I know he thought it - but he wasn't Mr. trim and slim himself.
The vagueness, the not setting boundaries, not being clear about his expectations, and then loading it all up and quietly resenting (but not communicating) then blowing us all away.
Gee, thanks, ex-BF.
Yeah, there were times he threatened to leave. That was his signal to let me know he didn't like my behavior, but I was so darn miserable, it was hard to heed the call. And whenever I brought anything of his to the table - his distance, porn use, lack of sex, communication with ex-gf, sarcasm, subtle put downs, avoidance, it was more threats to leave or dismissiveness.
Bleh. Not what I'd call an adult relationship. It was a traumatized boy in a 34 year old body acting like a 17-year-old and "rebelling" and not grown up enough to behave maturely and process emotions and be intimate.
Sorry, that's not what I know we're supposed to be posting about or talking about here - those not "in the room" - this is about you but, May, dude. I'd be FREAKING PISSED AS HELL!
I am still when I have to deal with him.
So no one's telling you not to be pissed. Sweetie, what the F?
Just that you gotta learn how to manage YOU - and your needs, emotions, anger, boundaries, etc. Whether you're with H or not. Either way.
Treat this, maybe as a lesson then? You get better and it's a win-win, right? Because you either win with H or win with someone else, but the BEST PART? You keep all that new growth and hard work for YOU ... and your daughter.
The place I reached when I was at my very wit's end (daghter was about 18 months old), was to just take the focus off him and focus on me. What did I need to do differently?
I took MY power back. I was sick of his expectations of ME - I wanted to know what I defined as a good person and a beautiful person and a good weight FOR ME - [censored] him. [censored] his porn use, his starting and ogling other women in front of me, telling me what he thought was "hot" - I know some people on this board will disagree b/c it's all about knowing what our partners want and meeting THEIR needs - but what about you?
I mean, in the end, I didn't even want to BE with my ex-BF. He was just a cover, in the end, for my "stuff" that needed work. He was an excuse, somewhere else to throw all the energy, attention, and blame.
(And I believe the same is true for him to me) - we each have some heavy lifting. Who knows what the hell he's doing with his - probably in bed with someone new, thinking "it'll all be different" (after all, he thinks all this was my fault).
I've had a rough road, but I've come SO far and am sooooo amazingly proud of my gorgeous beautiful self and my progress. I love me now. I love who I am and my soul and my spirit and my hair and my weight and my everything - And whoever is attracted to me now will really know me - I have to be accountable to me. Not FOR someone else - I have to check in with my self and say "how far off base am I here?"
I think it's time to do this work, May. In the R or out. The R is a decoy at this point for your own growth.
Live with him or don't. Get answers or don't. LET IT GO - he's going to do WHATEVER. HE. WANTS. and you won't control a single ounce of it.
So put the focus 100% on May - and your baby. You've tried. You've given this your all - you've thrown yourself at him, physically attacked him, tried to be his everything, left, came back.
