the path is the goal...

[zig]

ow, ow, ow - it hurts right now to think of all that - it's like i can't go there in my mind today - it's because i am trying to move away from it all i guess.

i've let go of him - i'm still going to db - but i've let go, i'm ok if he doesn't come back - at least right now.

as for giving him something later - [censored], KD that's where i messed up - he was always trying to make me happy in the way he knew how to and i was always bitchin' - at least that's what i think - i'm not even sure right now. all i know is that it was the same the other way around too.

i need to process this for a bit here - i don't know if i'm pulling away because the big D word got yelled, or because i finally got it - he's not coming back right now, maybe never and i HAVE to be ok this time around - i just HAVE to.

i wonder if your questions are trying to lead me towards being aware of what could make him feel good - what i could do to make him feel good? well , right now i just don't know, do i? i obviously didn't get it right before. it was all about the sex - you know that whole thing - his lack of physical intimacy, my lack of emotional connection - the classic thing plus a heavy dose of dealing with the movement disorder and how that affected his own masculinity.

i pointed that out to him the other day - in the context of pointing out that in my healing of what i'd dealt with with the abuse, i needed him to be aware that it was not acceptable to me that he used my sexual abuse as the reason for less sex (my ex did the same thing)- it had more to do with the lack of emotional connection that i felt with him.

i also told him that i didn't understand until now, that physical connection came first for a man, and that we had been in the classic catch 22 sitch with these elements going around and around.

ah [censored] - we messed up so much, that right now i can't even think about it

i'd rather talk about how i had this great afternoon with getting my postcard designed for my little sale that's happening next friday downtown, in one of the stores - and it's suddenly all real and going to happen.

i made it through another difficult patch where i came out good on the other side of it, and i am really focusing only on myself here - really redirecting my thoughts every time i think about this sitch and h.

i know something has changed in me in these last few days as i let go - s is responding in a totally different way with me - he just seems more open and relaxed. i know it's mid week and he always settles in by now - but there seems to be less resistance

a thought - it's always when we scream and shout too much about something, that it makes others think - oh this person is protesting too much - almost as if they have to convince themselves.

i've been saying that about h for a long time now - it feels like he's trying to convince himself more than he's trying to convince me

and then it finally hit me today - oh shite, i'm doing this too - i am protesting and fighting this sitch with my heart and soul - am i trying to convince myself? the relief that i could completely give up any resistance to it and just BE, and be completely okay where i am - oh the thought of that relief overpowers anything else right now.

all these months i've been wailing - i wish he would give me a break - and now, finally i get it - i'm giving myself a break and just stopping the resistance to it all. like i told him - i'm not going to help him do what he's doing - just going to be okay with it within myself.whatever happens happens

so i'll read this post of yours again in a couple of days, and see if i can answer it differently:)

thanks KD - you really know how to push the right buttons!!

hope you're well
zig