We've had two MC sessions since I last posted, and in the first one, he said some line of BS that followed along the same vein as the bomb last year. Which I think is complete and total crap. Even the T said, "I don't understand... I thought this was getting better."
To which I said, "It was getting better. I don't believe anything coming out of his mouth, and I'm not going to listen to it" and I walked out. We drove separate cars (he came directly from work), so I put the baby seat in his car and left.
When he got home, he said, "I'm sorry, I do want things to work out... maybe we can go on a date tomorrow" (one of his complaints is that we don't go on dates, which is untrue seeing as I PLAN and PAY for them. We've had 3 in the past 2 weeks). I said, "ok, yeah, you do that. If all this was true, why the F did you ask me to come home? I was happy. I had a 3 bedroom apt with my sister. I was independent. I had a year lease. Why did you ask me to move home if you were just 'giving it a shot'?" (another BS line he threw out there during the session). Of course, he couldn't come up with an answer, and of course, he did nothing in the way of planning a date.
Then I went on my girls weekend, which was great (and uneventful, which is what I needed).
And then I came back, and we had another MC today, and even the therapist said, "H, I think you're confused.... you need some clarity, and you need to give her specifics as to what you expect if you're unhappy. W, what would you need from him for the ball to get rolling again."
M: I need him to get a full physical and get his testosterone tested and get into individual counseling. H: What will that prove? M: If you have low test. then that might explain your lack of sex drive. And it might explain your depression. H: Who said I have depression? T: Do you think you have depression? H: I don't know.... T: Well, we've only done the MMPI with you. Based on your family of origin, I think it would be wise to do some additional personality testing to see if you have a genetic mood disorder. H: Ok. I have to notify my company for my security clearance. T: That's fine. H: How much will it cost? T: A copay, usually. M: I'll pay for it if you take it. T: Ok, so that sounds like some things that he can work on. LONG PAUSE M: I need to know what he wants from me. LONG PAUSE T: Well, I think the finances are a strong theme I detect. And taking care of your physical appearance. M: Yes, but how much? For what? How quickly? What do you want the physical appearance to be? What size? What weight? What measurements? T: Well, usually we don't try to define those things for the appearance. Usually it's a 'work out X times per week...' M: Ok, so what are they? H: Well, I don't know just... more.... M: NO! NO, I'm not doing this wishy washy crap! You need to give me parameters. You do this to people all the time. You are pissed with them, they try to make it work, you make some vague suggestions and then when they do what they think is right based on what you've said, you come up with some lame excuse as to how it wasn't what you wanted. You slip right out of it. H: I do? M: Yes (proceeds to tell him multiple occasions). So, no, sorry, you're not doing it to me. You tell me what you want, and I will rise to the occasion. You watch. LONG PAUSE T: Well, H, I guess that's something for you to think about for next session.
Ugh I'm so f-ing fed up with him. I'm so sick of him lying to himself.
I was so happy with my best friend this weekend. I didn't worry about H and his crap. I didn't worry whether or not I should have been doing something else. I didn't want to leave. Not even to come home to my D.
I honestly don't think H would be saying any of this if I hadn't found those things, if I hadn't attacked him, if I hadn't been giving him the 3rd degree.
So yes, this is my fault.
So what do I do? Leave until I'm done being angry? Because I'm still angry. And this BS just makes me more angry. He's rewriting history. He's making excuses. Rather than saying, "I don't like it that you're angry", he's saying that he never had rebuilt our relationship. I think because then he would have to say, "Why is my W angry?"
And then he would come to the answer "oh, that's right, because I was a huge f-ing d-bag who tried to ruin our lives".
It's to the point where I want to abandon my family. Not forever and ever. But I just want to ditch for the time being. I want to go to work, and come home, and not owe anything to anyone.
I took H's contact information out of my phone. I took him off my latitude (which he immediately asked back. I guess this makes sense seeing as the baby is with me). I think I'm going to take off my wedding ring and sleep on the couch.
I just don't feel like playing the game right now.
