I was curious as to the answer to this as I've heard a few arguments on both sides. I'm sure it's common, in our case W had the affair, it's over, we're dealing with the mess but the other guys wife is probably oblivious.
So what's the consensus/experiences on telling? Do you tell her? (or him if it's the other way around)
I believe that MWD does not recommend exposing an A to the OP's spouse.
Personally, I have seen too much domestic violence, including murder / suicide due to infidelity. In my small community of around 3,000 people, this affects everyone directly.
It is always your choice to make. The question is, are you ready for the consequences that responsibility will hold on you? Including all the people who are also involved...? If they are meant to find out, they will anyhow...
Similar advice from Michele (thread at the top of this forum)
Quote:
A message from Michele Weiner-Davis
Hi Divorce Busters,
It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.
Additionally, several people have contacted my office feeling that they had been personally attacked for not following this sort of advice. This community was started many years ago and we rarely get such complaints. Confronting others by calling names or pressuring them will not be tolerated. These tactics are not reflective of the Divorce Busting spirit.
If the affair is over and you are moving forward, I would probably let it go and leave it up to the other couple.
I do have a friend whose W had an affair and when he discovered it, he let the wife of the OM know. It was very effective in helping both parties quickly come to their senses and begin to work on their marriages (they had done things together as friends/couples so they all knew each other).
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Deal with your wife. And move forward. That is something between him and his wife. You would only have to deal with it in the future if it happened again.
Give him the chance to be a man.
You are more man than anyone. You have begun to overcome an affair.
Proud of you.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I was the OM's, W, and the last to know about my H's A. It was still ongoing.
Whilst I wish I had been told sooner, as the A was ongoing, the whole experience is so painful that, if the A had ended, I would rather have never known about it.
I hope that helps.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Well, I agree that for the sake of reconciling YOUR marriage, telling the OP's spouse is usually harmful (in that your WAS will likely resent it).
BUT - as the cheated-upon spouse, I would have WANTED to be told. Not only for health reasons (if my spouse is catting around, I want to be able to protect myself from sexually transmitted diseases) but also for the sake of making informed life decisions (if I knew my husband was cheating, would I want to make another baby with him? Would I buy a new house with a big mortgage?)
Most people don't want to tell the cheated-upon spouse because they fear that person will turn on them. It's true - it often happens that they don't appreciate the bearer of bad news. But what if you KNEW that their spouse had contracted AIDS? Wouldn't you then feel it was your duty to warn them?
I guess, like many things, it depends on the situation. If you KNEW, for instance, that the OM ONLY slept with your wife, was remorseful, and that your wife did not have any STDs .... then a reasonable argument might be made for not telling his wife, if there are children involved and a family to preserve.
On the other hand, if you KNEW the OM was picking up prostitutes and having unsafe sex - I don't know how your conscience would enable you to keep that a secret from her.
The one thing you have to be careful of, though, is the revenge motive. Many LBSs want to tell the OPs spouse out of revenge - kind of "he messed up MY marriage, now I'm going to mess up HIS". Nothing good ever comes from a revenge motive.
I agree with kml. It depends on the situation. I was the cheated upon spouse and I would have wanted to have been told sooner rather than later.
I did make the decision to inform OWH after giving it much thought and consideration. I vacillated back and forth for a month before coming to the decision though. It was not done out of revenge but simply so OWH could protect his health and make decisions about his future based on the entire truth about his W. It was a difficult decision for me and I felt sick at the thought of hurting another human being in that manner which is why I will never understand the mindset of the wayward...
However, in my case, I do believe OWH already knew or suspected as he called me twice after D-day but did not leave a message. I responded by sending him a message on FB as I did want the drama of speaking to him in person, or possibly having his crazy W get on the phone. The ow in my situation was batchit crazy.
My H has said now in hindsight, that if OWH did know and had informed me, it would have ended the A sooner because my H had been trying to get out for months but ow was threatening to tell me. If OWH did know, I wish he would have called me sooner but it's possibly he didn't find out until after D-day as she went off the deep end and he may have confronted her about her mental state.
Consider the situation, your motives and proceed from there.
your sitch was Unusual b/c the OW was nutty and possibly dangerous. Her h needed to know. She was just wacky.
She actively pursued your h even after being exposed so, unlike an Affair that is over, you had an ongoing reason to act.
Also, your motives were pretty darn clean.
I think most cases of "exposing to 3rd parties" are wrong b/c they just enable people to punish more and they don't even see it that way. They are so upset and angry they cannot rationally see how damaging their news can be.
But in YOUR Sitch, I could see it both ways, but I favored you saying something also to help keep her away from your family...and b/c I think she is unstable.
You never know...out of the blue, my bil acted like a real jerk for months. I thought my sister was going to leave him...then he had a seizure while driving, and it turns out he had a brain tumor. (He lived 11 years and most of them were good years but I will never forget how we suddenly saw a goofy idiot, only to learn later that he was just really very sick).
Your h's OW struck me as a very sick woman who was potentially dangerous...so you had to do what you did.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Similar advice from Michele (thread at the top of this forum)
Quote:
A message from Michele Weiner-Davis
Hi Divorce Busters,
It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.
Additionally, several people have contacted my office feeling that they had been personally attacked for not following this sort of advice. This community was started many years ago and we rarely get such complaints. Confronting others by calling names or pressuring them will not be tolerated. These tactics are not reflective of the Divorce Busting spirit.
Have a great day,
Michele
It seems to me this question has been pretty well answered ^^^^...
What is unclear now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
