WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake

[workinghardguy]

Lately I don't really know how I feel... it's been an strange couple of days. I feel sort of numb. I'm angry with my W and still hurt. I don't feel like I'm "pining" for her or waiting for her. At the same time I don't feel like I'm living my life. Though I am... my GAL is more than ever. W mentioned/complained today that I seem to travel more now than I have in the past... and I do because I'm not worried about pissing her off with my travel. I just don't know how I feel I guess.

Spent the weekend with my S. He loves the new Star Wars XBox game so we did a bunch of that. But we also worked on our garden, took walks, and saw grandma.

My interactions with my W have been odd. Last week she called me to discuss SD's birthday. I can't explain it but it wasn't a normal conversation. She told me about chaperoning S's museum trip with her class. Part of me wonders if I'm reading things that aren't there, but part of me felt the convo as different. When she called I told her I was busy and asked if she could call back later. She agreed. No anger or frustration, which would be usual for her. She even asked about the quote for replacing the roof which she knows is something I've been very worried about. Anyway, I can't find words to explain it but it was a different convo. She wanted to do SD's birthday on Saturday. I told her I had GAL plans and since I had asked her, repeatedly, for details and hadn't gotten them I made plans. She got angry at this and wanted me to change plans. I refused. We finally settled on Sunday for the birthday party.

Then the next day I get a text saying she's printing off the divorce stuff and wants to know if there were any Word docs. Yes, there were.. the ones I've sent her three times now. I tell her I'm busy and will re-send them when I have a chance. And so part of me sees this as the pulling away after the unusual convo the previous days.

Then the next day, Sunday, I get a text from her as I'm putting S to bed. I ignore it. Then I get a call. I let it go to voice mail. Then the doorbell rings. I go downstairs and there she is. I had locked the screen door against the wind so she couldn't get in. I guess I should've expected it to be her but I didn't. I was actually shocked. She has never dropped by unannounced before. She asks if S is in bed yet and I tell her I'm just putting him down. She asks if she can say goodnight to him quick since she was in the area (her best friend lives a block away). I tell her ok and we go upstairs. S is thrilled to see her.

Now before someone tasks me to task... in hindsight I don't think I should've let her in. But honestly I was so shocked she was standing there that my brain didn't even click in until we were walking into my S's room. She has never just shown up. I don't know why she did it and I didn't ask. It had been many days since she saw any of the kids and she was on vacation so she had time on her hands to miss them. Perhaps that was it. I don't know.

Today we went shopping for SD's presents as we had agreed to do. Again with the push/pull. We talked about lots of things, but never the divorce, mainly the kids. She was very sick, again, and complained about how all the stress in her life makes her sick so often.

Thursday was when she called about SD's birthday and it was at my request. Prior to that I hadn't talked, texted, or seen her for almost a week. Then it's been her reaching out somehow almost every day since. This hot and cold thing is awkward to handle.