when I left my session, I felt a little bit down & that I was shocked by what I was thinking and talking about today. I find it hard to believe that only a few weeks ago I was so down and my whole outlook was dependent on what my W did. I knew I was detaching, but I'm starting to feel a little bit of guilt for not wanting to work on our R right now. I had always said to myself if my W wants a separation then I will accept this wish & move out. Now I'm half expecting a separation and half-looking forward to it.
I feel like a living double standard, how can I say I want things to work out, when I'm considering leaving?
Tonight I was left kind of confused by something my W said. I had told her yesterday that I am going to a house party on the 23rd May (a fortnight after my course finishes) & she says tonight I'll switch my hours, so you don't have to get up and take the kids to school that day.
I might be reading too much into it, but it didn't sound like she was thinking of me moving out by then. It feels like we have just skirted around so many of our issues & not come to any decision of what next steps we both want to take. It feels like Limbo - because that's what it is!!
I know that the R conversation will happen eventually, I've got no idea how it will go, or what outcome I'm going to be rooting for.
I know what our R is missing right now - emotional intimacy, trust & respect. I think without trust and respect as a foundation - emotional intimacy can't be supported or gained in a R.
It's frustrating, because I know things could be great between us, but it's all IF's and BUTS.
Then there's the kids who are gonna end up getting hurt so much by this mess - I hate that more than anything.
Vent over, sorry had to get all that off my chest, right back to the dissertation.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
