Reading how you've described your W's reactions, I wondered whether you have read "The 3 Faces of the Victim" (available online)? It looks to me as though she has been victimized in the past, unconsciously identifies herself as a victim, and therefore positions you as the aggressor in cases where you clearly aren't, because it "feels" familiar.
Unfortunately, because this is an emotional rather than a rational response, it's very hard to change unless she learns to "catch" what she's doing. Really, counselling for her would be your best bet, but I believe she applies the same mindset to that ("I'm just like this, poor me, so nothing can change it.")
I guess the positive part is that change IS possible ... although only if she is willing to work through the pain of really looking at what she despises about herself.
