Do I just give in?

[Accuray]

I want to act as if none of this is bothering me or affecting me but throughout everything she's wiggled her way around the "stands" I've taken. Only when things have gotten somewhat "real" for her, when I told her that she needs to move out or that we need to figure out when and how to tell our family, has she actually either showed any sort of emotion in front of me or has tried to hold on to some sort of normalcy. Me letting her wiggle around all that I feel is just prolonging my torture.

Yes, making ultimatums or setting boundaries and then not enforcing them is the second to worst thing you can do, the worst being to pursue, beg and plead.

When you structure a boundary, you cannot phrase it in terms of what W can or cannot do, you have to phrase it in terms of what you will or will not accept. You also can't have consequences where W will need to do something, the consequences need to be what you will do.

i.e. if W is disrespectful to you in public, you can't set a boundary that "you can't talk to me like that in public", because you can't enforce that. Instead, you can say "I won't allow you or anyone else to talk to me like that in public." Then the consequence is "If you continue to speak to me like that in public, I will leave whatever it is we are doing and go home or back to work. If you drove with me in my car, you will need to find your own way home, so think about bringing cab fare along when we go out."

The big problem with ultimatums is that you have to be ready to enforce them no matter what. You can't tell W to break off all contact with OM, but you can say "If you continue your relationship with OM, then I will move to end our marriage." If you say that though, and she then continues to talk to OM, you have to pursue divorce or you have lost all credibility and respect. Therefore, do NOT make ultimatums or set boundaries that you are not detached enough to enforce.

Ironically, by the time most people can make an ultimatum like the last one, they no longer need to make it because they've detached and moved on themselves.

Definitely set boundaries, and enforce them, but structure them in the context of what YOU will do, not what will happen to W. The philosophy is "you make your decision and then I will make mine"

Accuray