It's a Catch22 for sure, because to ask for something different is to point out that you're not happy with what she's providing already in her mind. She therefore feels badly and is less likely to try because why bother?
My MC described this as "not feeling safe", in that nothing you do is ever good enough, so why do anything? That would be easy for me to accept if I was a complainer, but I'm not. I'm not saying what she's doing is bad -- I'm saying "X is good, let's try to add Y too!" She hears "because you want Y, that means that X sux and I'm a failure to you".
Telling her I'm happy with X with no additional request also makes her feel badly, because I'm commenting on it at all. To her that means that the things I'm not calling out to comment on must be bad -- i.e. "I'll tell you I like X because it's the only good thing you do".
She tends to grab the worst possible interpretation of whatever I say. She realizes she does it, but says "that's who I am, deal with it".
As an example of this, the other week I had a morning meeting and said "can you take the kids to school this morning?" (Normally, I probably take them 80% of the time and she takes them 20%. I have no problem with that, I enjoy taking them.)
She got quite angry because she interpreted that as me complaining that "she never takes the kids to school and I have to do an unfair amount" and went off on a diatribe about that. I had no idea how she got from a nine word logistical question into such a soap opera. I didn't say it with tone, I didn't say it with a bad expression, I said "can you take the kids to school today?" and that was it. At the end, she said that she'll just take them all the time so I never have to do it. I said "but that's not what I'm looking for at all, I'm looking to have a discussion with you so we can manage this together. If you told me you also had a meeting, then I'd figure out if I could start mine from the car and maybe I could take them, but if you didn't have a conflict I wouldn't worry about it."
If you have any insight into how I can better negotiate situations like that, or avoid stepping into them, I would appreciate it.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
