What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Well... I found out about OW. I had suspicions about the one I mentioned earlier, then last night in a enormous bout of anxiety, I drove over to where her apartment was. Lo and behold there is his truck.

I had her phone number, I blew it up texting and calling. He would never answer his. I don't recommend this. I saw him leave the apartment complex this morning (yes I staked it out early). Recall that earlier this week, I asked him straight up if he was seeing her at all or talking to her and he lied and lied to me saying 'no'. I caught him. I left a note on his truck too. He called me and admitted he slept with her one time 5 or 6 months ago. It didn't really hurt me as much because he has already cheated on me before and it didn't hurt as much as finding out about the first time. However, even though he was 'sleeping' on her couch and not having sex with her since then, I find the whole two months of him being there completely inappropriate and disgusting. I left her a voice mail asking her if she was going to the responsible thing and end it or if she was going to do it the hard way. I also mentioned to her that he was still coming home for some sexual acts.

He called me and was pissed off. So angry at me and told me that "I" was involving other people and creating drama. I remained calm and listened. I then said, "I can see you are very upset. I am not involving other people - I didn't step out." (probably not the best thing to say? He continued to threaten me and threaten that he wants a divorce and he hasn't been happy in the last year. But then he told me "You need to fill in the (swear F word) paperwork!" (Umm... no I'm not going to do it, I thought to myself) I said "I can tell you haven't been happy. I can also see that you have been living what I think is a double life of lying and cheating too, so if you haven't been happy and living the lifestyle you aim to get by divorcing, I can't help you. If you want to work with me to create a relationship where you can thrive and be happy, I can be apart of that. But I am standing up for the marriage because it's important to me. And it's important to our son. And deep down I think it's important to you, but I think you've buried it in unhappiness for now. that's ok, I get that. You do what you think is best for you"

After a few more threats from him, I ended the conversation. He then called me to tell me the OW was going to call me.

She was very apologetic and said that they had a 'slip up' 5-6 months ago. I interrupted her and told her "you didn't have a slip up. You took in a married man and had helped him break his vows. You also continue to let him stay at your house over the last two months instead of directing him home." I then laid into her about her self worth and what kind of man did she think she was going to get - if she only goes after married men who are unfaithful. I mentioned to her that this didn't bother me as much as she thinks, because she's like the 4th girl now. She was shocked by that revelation. Apparently she thought she was the only one. I asked her how she felt and she said she was disgusted.
Anyway, she told me that she will no longer talk to him in any way at work, nor text him, or even talk to him at work. Nor will he ever be allowed to step foot in her apartment again. (I told her that she needs to apply this rule to ALL married men and stop being desperate).

I had a 10 minute conversation with her. She then told me at the end of the conversation that if there was anything she could do for me, I have her number. I told her that I'm not going to bother. What she could have done was to tell him to go home and not get involved with married men.

I'm IN Last Resort mode right now and I've started going dark. He needs to figure out what kind of life he wants to live.

Anyway, H is upset/angry. He's at home in a empty house without me and S. I don't know if he will be there when I get back - but I can't be there right now. I refuse to be part of a relationship that doesn't value me. I will be nice to him, I will be supportive like a friend - but I won't be trashed and called names. I also won't have any other OW's feelings being put above mine but I'm not going to be 'fixing' him anymore.


IT's killing me to not go home and talk to him or to apologize. (For what?!) I feel like I should be the peace maker and make him feel better and that nothing has to change. So I'm hanging out all day at a coffee shop with kiddo trying to give him space now that OW has kicked him out.

I wish I didn't go over there. I don't think that confronting OW or him was good and it could have gone very badly with her. At this point, I've been cheated on him 4 times all in Oct/Nov time frames in the 15 years I've known him. I don't like to always be on the lookout for OW or to be told that I'm 'jealous' for no reason. All lies.

My goal was to keep the marriage together. I don't know what to do anymore at this point. He goes through these depressive periods and I can't do anything other than be supportive. This was not a good day.