I have been thinking a great deal about why the very vague bits of news from yesterday put me in such a tailspin emotionally and has been hard to let go of..
I think that I fear rejection/replacement so much bc in the back of my mind, I believe that she is right, that I am all the things she said... and that I have always believed that I am not enough.
During the R, I would have nightmares sometimes that she was leaving me and wake up crying.
One of the things which made her so angry during out R...is that several times I asked her (she would say accused) if she was interested in someone else... I know that hurt her and made her feel like I did not trust her.
I tried to work on it...and did well for several years up to a few months before the ILBINILWY speech when she was paying a lot of attention to an ex, the ex had crossed some boundaries in talking about her unhappiness in her longterm relationship and I asked my W again..
I also tried to explain to her that it was not her that I did not trust but me... I did not trust that I was enough.
I know, terribly unattractive, wish I had known 25 back then.
I want to change this, believe in myself. i have had wonderful success in two careers, survived great loss, have great friends, but still can not seem to get past this inner inferiority...
there are so many pieces to it... i knew i was gay at a very early age, went to a Christian school and college and prayed/cried/felt incredible guilt for years to try and change my sexual orientation... my brother died from cancer when i was 4 creating so much sadness/guilt in my home.. and on and on
i know the pieces but still struggle
i am going to therapy but would appreciate any other guidance from you all.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
