I am glad I found these boards. I am looking for somewhere I can talk without involving my family and friends more deeply in my marital problems.
Some history on us, my husband and I met in 8th grade and actually were boyfriend and girlfriend for a few weeks back then. We started dating seriously when we were 17 and dated for 5 years. During that time we moved to college together and lived together for 2 years. We got married after college, my husband joined the Army for 9 and a half years, and we will have been married 13 years in June of this year. We have a 9 year old daughter, a 6 year old son, and I am 23 weeks pregnant with our baby girl. She was planned and we lost 2 trying for her.
We have moved 10 times over the course of our marriage. We have went through 3 year long or longer deployments to Iraq and many smaller ones mixed in there. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD last November. He came to me when he started noticing symptoms and we got VA counseling for him and I think it is helping. I want to say I don’t think our marital problems are due to PTSD. His case is mild in comparison to what people normally picture, but I do think it may be affecting his trust and closeness he is able to give us.
In December I noticed he was acting more quietly, a little more sarcastically, and when I would ask him what was wrong he would say nothing. The last day in December, we got into a minor argument that was the last straw for him. He acted upset for a day and a half, then sat me down and said he was unhappy, done trying, and wanted to separate. In his mind, he had done all he could to work on the marriage and it can’t be fixed, he is going down the road to divorce. I never even realized we had issues that went that deep. He had never sat me down and clued me in to his feelings. I do feel that his feelings aren’t completely rational though, because during that month he had been still talking to me about how 2012 was going to be our year with the new baby, we were going to move into a new house or build one, and our debt was almost all paid off. He stayed through the month of January while I pursued like crazy and probably drove him crazy, then moved out February 2nd to his own place.
In retrospect, I can see where I was depressed from the multiple deployments. I had acted negative, complaining to him about things while he was gone, been insecure and jealous, gained weight over the course of our marriage. I should have went to counseling and tried to fix myself, but I was looking to him. I think it built and built and he was feeling controlled and tired of being my fix-it person. We weren’t always having bad times, we’ve had many, many good ones, I just think these are the major issues from our talks that are causing our issues.
He has put up a wall that, while we still talk often and he is there for me, he is holding me at arms length and I feel the distance. We still tell each other we love each other every day, we hug when we see each other hello and goodbye, I kiss him on the neck, he has kissed me on the lips a couple of times (surprised me, that is on his list of too much), we had a great sex life up until February when he said no more because it confuses things. I am currently trying to “act as if” everything is positive, avoid relationship talk, and every moment he reaches out or we are together make it count and be affectionate and happy, while not being all over him so that he doesn’t feel pressured.
I started counseling last week, and the counselor summed up my dilemma perfectly—he is sending me mixed messages. I see him every single day. We text and talk on the phone throughout the day. I have been trying to let him initiate most of that, and he does. He is a wonderful Dad. He stays very involved in our kids lives, tells them goodnight every night, usually at our house in person. He is there for me to help with anything I need. He bought a new car for us a few weeks ago. He still has me doing all the bills and everything, he has never threatened anything financially. He just says he needs space, thinks we can’t fix our problems, and doesn’t believe any of the changes he has seen on my part. Anything negative he brings up is from the past.
On my part, I have been listening very hard to what he says when he does open up and talk and have made a lot of changes in how I relate to him and things about myself that I didn’t realize were affecting him certain ways. Under my doctor’s supervision, even while pregnant and eating a healthy diet, I have lost 35 pounds and have made really good strides in looking good. I walk 3 to 4 miles every morning. I’ve made it a goal to run a 5K in the 6 months after I have the baby. I am really consciously not projecting my insecurities and jealousies on him and making an effort to show him I trust him. I even recently encouraged a trip for him to go see an old friend and then go camping with his brother and made sure I was encouraging about it and positive the whole time. I know I have been bad in the trust area, and it is a hard area for me. He doesn’t deserve it, and I am definitely making it a priority for me to do it and let it go. I can’t control someone into behaving a way that always reassures me. I can see now where I had been doing that and it has really driven a wedge between us.
I am certain there isn’t another girl involved in this. He is not a good liar, and we have discussed it twice and he looks me in the eyes and has told me there isn’t and that he has enough dealing with me and how this affects the kids that there is no way he could deal with another girl right now. When this all happened I had checked his phone and e-mail also, and there wasn’t anything to indicate otherwise. I don’t normally do that stuff, but it all just came out of nowhere so fast for me, I was trying to figure out the only thing that would make sense for me to make him react like this. I can account for his time too. He checks in with us so often and I know his work schedule and I feel very confident this is between us, and there is no hidden third party causing all of this. Not to mention no third party would be able to deal with a man spending all the time with us that he does.
Currently I try not to talk about deep relationship stuff with him, because if I press the issue he will always go to do you want me to make a decision now, and I know that decision right now is divorce in his mind. I have to keep telling myself actions speak louder than words, because while his words are negative about us, his actions are fairly good for the situation we are in. I don’t want to force the issue, I love him and I think he loves me, although he is grappling with it, and I feel like he has to work this out for himself. He is military minded, missions go from point A to point B and he is at point B, so the mission is done. His heart needs to catch up to the fact that missions can get new information and change over time, but like I said, he has to work this out himself, nobody can tell him anything or point out anything.
I am really hoping to get some input on how I should proceed. If I just need to keep “acting as if” or if I need to add something else in or what an outsider’s viewpoint is on our situation. Please let me know if you need clarification on anything. I love this man so much and this wall he has constructed between us feels so unnatural. I still see my husband in there, but I can definitely see a long path ahead to get to where he feels like our marriage has hope. I just wish he would have clued me in better to where he was in his emotions before we got to this point.
