H says ready to work on relationship, now what?

[Some Day]

Hello everyone.
I wanted to provide an update on my situation to hopefully help others in the same boat and validate those who gave me spot on advice. Here goes...

Against my better judgment and the advice I got on these boards, I let my emotions rule my actions and I allowed my H to move back at the beginning of the year. He promised to end all contact with OW and go to counseling with me. He told me he would tell me if OW tried to contact him in any way. The first couple of weeks everything seemed great. He was loving, affectionate, etc. Then I started noticing he was acting distant again. He got angry when I asked him for access to his email passwords, etc. Still, I fooled myself into believing this was all part of the healing process and that we just needed time to get used to living together again and repairing our relationship.

The week of Valentine's day I got an unexpected email from the OW's husband. He told me my H and his W had started the affair back up again. I asked for proof and he sent me a few emails he had gotten ahold of. I couldn't believe it. All the anger that I had suppressed for so long came flowing out of me. The first thought that came to my mind was divorce.

When H came home from work, I asked him why he hadn't told me that he had been in contact with OW. He said he was planning on telling me that week. I then told him that I knew he was sleeping with her again and that I had spoken to her H. I asked him to come clean. I started crying and screaming hysterically. I pushed his arm and chest repeatedly with all the strength I could muster. I took his new cell phone and slammed it against the floor repeatedly until it shatterred. I fell to the ground shaking and crying and screaming hysterically.

He told me he had created a new email address to commmunicate with her. He told me they had started back up again in mid January (about two weeks after he had moved back into our home!). They had sex a few times at work in her office (after work hours). He also had sex with her a few times while I was away on a business trip. He would go to her apartment. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wanted to throw his axx out of the house and file for divorce the next day.

He gave me his password to the new email he created and I found several emails they had exchanged as well as tons of pictures she had sent him in racy lingerie as well as completely naked. I cried and screamed some more. He left the house. He came back a couple of hours later and told me he wanted to talk.

I told him I could no longer trust him. I asked him what he wanted. I told him that if he did not love me and did not want to be with me, he just needed to say it. I told him if he wanted to be with OW, I would not intervene... he could pack his things and go. I would not bother him again and I would not ask him for money. (I earn enough to live on my own comfortably and don't need his financial support)

He cried, sobbed, begged, pleaded with me, asking him to forgive him. He said he had finally come to his senses and knew that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He cried for hours, begging me not to leave him or divorce him. I saw him cry like this for the first time in our 12 year marriage. I had never seen him like this. I think he sensed that I was seriously considering divorce and he would lose me forever.

We both slept on it and the next day we talked some more. I knew in my heart that I still loved him. I knew that I was ready to let him go if that is what he wanted. I also knew that if he could prove to me with his actions, not just words that he truly believed in us and wanted to stay, I would be willing to go through the hurt and pain all over again to recover our marriage.

When we spoke again, he said he would do ANYTHING i asked to earn my forgiveness and trust. (Note- I had never heard him say this before). He asked me what I needed. I told him all contact with OW must cease and I needed to be part of that communication. I told him he needed to come clean with his mom and brother and tell them what he had done. I wanted access to all of his online accounts, passwords, computer, cell phone, etc. I wanted him to change jobs (he works with OW). There were many more things I asked for. He agreed with all of them and over the next few days began to follow through.

He crafted an email to the OW, which I read before he clicked send. In the email he was clear about wanting no further contact with her, not loving her, loving me and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. The next few days were rough. She would confront him at work and demand answers. She followed him with her car one day after work at confronted him while they were both a a stoplight. He would tell me about all the incidents and he continued to say he had nothing to say to her and that she needed to leave him alone. She became very angry and sent me several nasty emails.

Her emails were hurtful, she would list all the reasons why my H did not love me and why he loved her. She mentioned our "lame" sex among all the things that were wrong between me and my husband. She said many hurtful things. I would show my H the emails and he would get very angry. However, we both felt it was best not to respond and just completely ignore her. Then, her husband began to threaten my H. At one point, he followed him after work and confronted him in a parking lot, threatening to "put him in the hospital" for what he had done to him.

From what I gather, the H is still extremely hurt and angry and wants to seek revenge. I also think he is trying to scare my H, so that he stays away from his wife for good. They are currently not living together and he says that he cannot forgive or trust his wife anymore.

In the last couple of months, things have died down. There hasn't been any contact that I'm aware of. My H started a new job. I installed surveillance software on his computer and cell phone. There has been no suspicious activity so far, and the GPS tracking shows him being where he needs to be. I hate that I have stooped to spying, but right now, that is the only way I can manage my trust issues.

I have seen a sincere effort on his part to help us heal. He is more open with me and we are slowly learning to communicate again. I must say, this time around it is much harder for me. While I can forgive him, I can't say I trust him. I know this can take years. So, I'm taking things one day at a time.

Sorry for the long story, just wanted to share my journey so far