Reading over your post to me, I see SO much of myself in it! Did I feel "done" at times? You better believe it! I have been put through humiliation that was beyond my worst possible nightmares. I have had to hold my head high and put a smile on my face when I knew people were discussing my marriage around me and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head. I went from hating my husband at times to feeling sorry for him to just not caring about him at all. When I finally REALLY detached, my only goal was to co-parent effectively with him. I had accepted the fact that we were going to be divorced. It was tough getting to that place (and took me a very long time), but I did it. I didn't know what my future held, but I knew it would be good for the children and me.
We, too, are a very "social" family, and early on I saw friends and couples slip away and a decline in invitations to couple and family events when our problems became public knowledge. That was hurtful to me, but at the same time I could understand that they didn't want to be caught in the middle of our drama. In our case, ow lives in our town, runs in the same social circle and has children the age of ours. The ongoing affair caused not only our families hurt but also so many of our mutual friends. Our true friends are the ones who stayed through thick and thin, and I'm very grateful for them. We are also starting to socialize again as a couple, and while at first it has been a little uncomfortable, slowly things have become "normal" again.
Additionally, I HATED that my children would be shuffled back and forth between 2 homes (which we did for some time). All my dreams of how they would grow up in our great family "dream home" we built and live in and one day come back to visit with their own children were destroyed. I felt so very terrible for them, but in time I gained my strength and vowed to raise them the very best I could and offer them the most healthy life I could.
Also like you, I had a very nice gentleman express interest in me...he made it apparent that when I was ready to dip my toe back in the dating pool, he'd like to be the first to know. It felt great to get such positive attention! I knew that wasn't something I would be ready for until after my divorce was final (and probably a good while after that), but it felt good knowing there was someone out there who believed I was a beautiful and caring, kind and smart woman and that my husband was a FOOL for letting his attention drift elsewhere. I truly had become the woman only a FOOL would leave, and I had done it for ME, not for my husband.
So, when my husband came back to me (and this was the 3rd time he had filed for divorce, 2nd time he'd moved out...not to mention countless times he went back and forth between ow and me - some times I know about, no telling how many I don't), I was VERY hesitant and extremely guarded at first. BUT, as a DB'er, I had left the door to possible reconciliation cracked just a bit. I will admit in large part I did this because we have young children, and I believed I owed it to them to give the marriage another try. I can't say for certain that if we didn't have children or if they were grown that I would've done the same thing...I was so very tired of going through all the drama by this time. However, I can say with complete certainty that I'm SO very glad I did give our marriage another shot.
Piecing and reconciling hasn't always been easy, but the work has been so very worth it. Complete honesty and transparency is a must. No more phone and computer passwords, no more slipping away without letting me know where he is, etc. Total forgiveness is also a must...you have to let the past go and only concentrate on the here and now. Establishing and respecting boundaries is very important. It can't be assumed what is okay and what isn't...it must be stated and then honored. Additionally, we have started practicing true giving and gratitude to one another, and I can't describe the joy that brings to our marriage. Again, it's not easy and we certainly hit some bumps early on, BUT I feel like for the first time, we are really getting it right and that our marriage is getting stronger and better than ever before.
I will also say this...I know with certainty that if we had gone ahead with a divorce, I would be okay...not just okay, but fantastic. The kids would be great too. We would just have a new normal. My husband? I guess he'd have carried on just fine (but he wasn't my concern). So if you do decide to go forth with the divorce, know that you, too, will be okay...fantastic.
Only YOU know when you are truly done and the door to possible reconciliation is closed. I and others here will respect your decision either way. You have been through an extremely tough time, and again, I admire your strength and grace. I also admire your courage to put your foot down and say enough is enough of status quo. Whatever you do, I encourage you to stay on the boards. The support here has been so very important to me, no matter what place I have been in.
My advice isn't worth much...I did so much wrong so many times before I really started DB'ing, that actually I'm probably a great example of what NOT to do! However, I will say that detaching from the emotional drama (stepping off the roller coaster), going very dim (only communicating about what is absolutely necessary and not responding when it was ANYTHING else), GAL (as hard as it is with little ones, it's so very important you enjoy your life to the fullest!) and focusing on making you the very best you possible is what worked for me. My faith is also very important to me, and I couldn't have found true strength, forgiveness and grace without it . These things may not be what saved my marriage (it's absolutely essential your husband give up the affair for good, and only he can make that decision), but it did save me....and that's what DB is all about!
