Like several other board members, I'm not exactly new here. I spent quite a bit of time on these boards several years back. That R didn't get saved but I learned a lot. Never enough, it seems.
In the midst of a new R, I didn't seem to need all those tools I'd learned about. By the time I did need them, they weren't so readily at hand.
I've spent some time kicking myself for being so stupid, for getting into this same old spot again. I realize that I need to do some deeper personal work to get to the bottom of what drives destructive R habits. When I'm paying attention, I do just fine, but when I get lazy, it all goes to he!!
So, P has moved out (and far away). She wants mental space, really. She says she can't figure out what she wants when someone else is around because she's always worrying about the other person and what they want. (So, a big chunk of this is about her and her own internal boundary issues. I can't fix that.)
I see that I had been taking out my irritations on her, being irritable and insufferable. Her other issues were about all my stuff (packrat), the inconsistency of my income, and my insufficient warmth toward her adult children. I started seriously addressing these issues last fall when she first indicated that she was dithering about the R. She said more than once that she was really impressed with the changes I had made.
Another issue is that she doesn't like the rural setting where we live (my house). I had first lived at her urban house, then she sold it and moved across the country to live with me. The plan was to fix up my house and sell it so we could build a new one on some land she bought. She's realized that she doesn't want to live in the country and she's rather fond of a little town three states away. Oy!
She tries to avoid conflict and feels like she doesn't have the right to ask someone else to change or compromise. So, she'll have the whole conversation in her head. "I want X and she won't like that, she's just different and that's okay, so I should just leave."
Some (brilliant) coaching from Jody has helped me with my clarity and focus. P has left, and she's very clear that she needs and wants some time for herself. My behavior in the few weeks between her deciding to go and actually leaving has made a big difference. I have been generally confident, focusing on my strengths, continuing to make changes, remaining kind and open, and being her friend.
She has continued to cuddle in bed. Her cats are staying with me until she gets settled. The day before she left, she was doing her rare flirtations (usually it makes her feel reassured to see my positive response). She said that it didn't feel like we were breaking up.
She has said many things that show her ambivalence. "Maybe I'm a fool. Maybe I'm making a huge mistake." I had said that I was just going to imagine that she's on a long silent retreat (really to minimize my hopes of hearing from her) and she said, "Maybe that's what I should have done instead."
Okay, this is getting toooo long. I'm back on the boards because I see there are still folks asking the tough questions and offering encouragement for the long haul.
