Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[breakdownbill]

It sounds like you're talking about if her friends found out, right?
As opposed to confessing to me?
FWIW, if her friends found out about her having an affair and wanting a divorce THEY'D probably disown her. They wouldn't think twice about my role in it.
I guess I'm still not understanding you--I am stuck thinking she's protecting her own arse, not mine.

I just meant anyone in your life that knows you. To a large extent she is, but you are married to her and whatever people say about your W - will reflect on you and your R. The only thing you have to gain by this becoming public knowledge right now is other people's sympathy. Is that what you want, for people to feel sorry for you? If you want to repair your M someday, hanging your W out to dry & take all the stigma of cheating is not something I could recommend. I know you feel like lashing out in some way, but this would hurt both of you & the added pressure of what your friends, family and community think of you and your M, is not healthy or something you would want. So do something else to vent your anger constructively, you know exercise or hit a punchbag.



I really thought a lot about your question re: what do I want out of confronting her. I realized it comes down to the obvious fact that I have exactly zero trust in her right now b/c of the bomb. And, I don't know how to go about rebuilding--even DBing--without being able to have some little sliver of trust moving in the right direction.

First of all your wife has broken your trust & betrayed you. This trust was built up over many years & it will have to be earned by your W. I don't trust half the things my W says to me now, because of the same thing - betrayal & that she hasn't done anything to win my trust back.
The DB'g is for YOU!! For YOU to get your life back on track,find out what makes you happy & live life in the moment, to start to reflect on what you want & to become a person who understands about relationships, so whoever your next relationship is with is different (even if it is with your W).



So, when W is boldfaced lying about having an EA or PA (I have a freaking love letter she wrote for godssake), I get stuck in this cycle of hurt/anger about her continued deceit.

You know your trust has been betrayed - a confession or the details will not change anything for you or your W.

And it's exactly that sort of only-in-her-own-brain deceit that's a damaging pattern in our relationship, but in a weird way--for example, she'll spend days/weeks/months consulting with other people about a serious issue before talking to me. So, she'll be acting way, way off for that time before it. And I'll ask what's going on/what's wrong. We'll fight. She'll get exasperated and just emotionlessly state her decision about the thing. I've realized that I'm not the one she will confide in first for anything.
Like the 3 weeks she knew she was pregnant and wanting an abortion.
Like the 3 months of deceit before the bomb.

Your W will not confide in you, because the things she is doing in her head are because of you. This is how she is justifying her actions & other people outside of your M are used to validate her biased versions of her issues. This is just human nature, if someone in work does your head in about something, you normally confide in someone else to get another opinion on the situation first, before acting on anything. Don't beat yourself up about it, unfortunately there are loads of people out there who will give our WAS's bad advice and help validate the most selfish of actions.


Hmm--do you think calling out your W, even if you have clear evidence of EA/PA, is pursing? How can I get past not just having fear/anxiety, but knowing for a fact something hidden is/was going on? How can I rebuild my own sense of trusting her?

While you have these fears and anxiety, you will not be able to move on in your own personal journey. Noone wants to be around someone who is anxious and fearful, the opposite to this is confident and strong - which is more attractive?

Like I said you won't get over the trust issues in a hurry, stop trying to fix your situation in double quick time. Have a plan, take it step by step, keep up your GAL activities & add to them.

When the penny drops for you, you'll start to understand all of this - like I said it took me more than a month for it to happen to me. You have to come to some realisations for yourself.

Bill