Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[ouroboros]

I don't see anything "wrong" with bringing up possible infidelity in MC; as long as you do it in such a way as stating a boundary: "I'm just not the type of man who would ever share his W with another man..."
You can state that as a boundary without confrontation. It is a fact, right? Just state your fact and shut up. No lectures, no expanding. Short, declarative statements come across as strengths.

Well, as it turns out, MC today was...eventful.
Started talking with the C about my getting my act together, GAL, and fighting back depression--getting back into my own skin. Being honest with myself and living up to my personal obligations. Realizing that no one in this world can take care of you (although def they can support).
And--that FINALLY for the past few days I'm genuinely feeling happy for a change.

So the MC asks W about my feeling happy, and W tells her how she's bewildered about the whole thing. Starts breaking down and talking in some contradictions, but then goes on to say that one reason for the bomb was to free me to make me happy--that if it took my getting involved with some imagined OW, she'd be all for it.

This gave me great pause. Most women I know would rather have their arms cut off than have their husband PA. When the MC asked me what I thought about it, I told her I think W isn't talking about me. I think she's talking about herself, that she wants to be happy by freeing me to pave the way for OP.

The MC jumped on this and directly asked W if this is true, is there a PA. W denied it flatly and in great detail.

Rather foolishly, I then was talking about my hurt and fear--and said, well look, I don't know what to expect from you anymore. And, I wouldn't be surprised you'd have an affair given how insanely depressed and neglectful I've been. But, if you look at the stupid websites for the top 10 signs for a cheating W, damn if W isn't doing ALL of them.

She broke down completely, but also completely denied that she was trying to pave the way for OM or having an PA.

So, I managed to lose my cool severely. And, like bill suggested, I think it didn't help much, but she also didn't seem to make rash decisions. Instead, now I think she's getting afraid of the possibility of MY making a rash decision and leaving her.

She wants out? Show her the door and wish her well. Do not try to cling; it is weak, and we like strong men. We have no respect for neediness.
Don't beg her to stay, let her feel the loss of you by her own hand.
Hang in there.

I talked a lot about boundaries in MC, mostly due to your reply.
Honest and clear boundaries--like I wouldn't tolerate her being with OM.
I talked about he boundaries she decided to set all on her own by dropping the bomb, moving into another room in the house, etc.
And I talked about the fact that the boundaries she's setting are damn confusing.
I told W, if she wants out of the M, move out of the house.

She backtracked, talking about the fact that she's in MC to stay, that she's committed to figuring out how we move forward (whether we D or not).
And, she even told the MC that she'd be very willing to figure out how to reconcile if I was able to keep being myself as I am now.

It sounds great, right?

Unfortunately, I left MC completely jaded.
I soft balled several opportunities for her to admit her affair, or even a desire for one...nothing.
I realized walking out of there that for the moment I've lost all respect for W--I don't have any respect for liars or thieves...why would I respect her now.

I'm completely pissed off and more than a little disgusted.
By far, this is the most angry I've been since the bomb.
I keep having strings of nasty curses and slanders go through my head about her.
I couldn't even stand to be in the same house with her tonight.
Told W I was going to go hang out with people tonight, go see a movie or watch the game (very unlike me to do this by myself and no one was around tonight).