Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[ouroboros]

Thanks to you all for the replies--I'm getting there, albeit slowly.

OK, firstly what's good about this situation is that your W recognizes that this is wrong & why she has hidden this. It might not seem like she is thinking of you, but if her actions became common knowledge, this would hurt your pride even further & damage your ego.

It sounds like you're talking about if her friends found out, right?
As opposed to confessing to me?
FWIW, if her friends found out about her having an affair and wanting a divorce THEY'D probably disown her. They wouldn't think twice about my role in it.
I guess I'm still not understanding you--I am stuck thinking she's protecting her own arse, not mine.

I really thought a lot about your question re: what do I want out of confronting her. I realized it comes down to the obvious fact that I have exactly zero trust in her right now b/c of the bomb. And, I don't know how to go about rebuilding--even DBing--without being able to have some little sliver of trust moving in the right direction.

So, when W is boldfaced lying about having an EA or PA (I have a freaking love letter she wrote for godssake), I get stuck in this cycle of hurt/anger about her continued deceit.

And it's exactly that sort of only-in-her-own-brain deceit that's a damaging pattern in our relationship, but in a weird way--for example, she'll spend days/weeks/months consulting with other people about a serious issue before talking to me. So, she'll be acting way, way off for that time before it. And I'll ask what's going on/what's wrong. We'll fight. She'll get exasperated and just emotionlessly state her decision about the thing. I've realized that I'm not the one she will confide in first for anything.
Like the 3 weeks she knew she was pregnant and wanting an abortion.
Like the 3 months of deceit before the bomb.

So, why do I want to call her out about the EA/PA? To get some honesty for a change before she walks ALL the way out. It's like she's being honest finally about everything else but this.

But you're right. Confronting her runs the risk of a knee-jerk reaction. Or making me look weak and unattractive.

What you need to do, is exactly what people are telling you to do, detach. Work on yourself, be happy and live your life to the full. She will notice, even if she doesn't say anything. Every positive 180 you can acheive, consistantly will give her reason to doubt herself.

Definitely, and this is happening and I'm seeing positive effects.
I'm GALing and 180ing like crazy and she's completely struck by my enjoying (at least most parts) my life for a change.

I'm really frigging stuck on this confrontation.

About bringing up the EA/PA it's totally up to you, but if you are convinced it is over, what good of it will come from that situation. Peace of mind for yourself? There are other ways you can get passed all of this.

Hmm--do you think calling out your W, even if you have clear evidence of EA/PA, is pursing? How can I get past not just having fear/anxiety, but knowing for a fact something hidden is/was going on? How can I rebuild my own sense of trusting her?