Not sure what to make of these sorts of apologies. Is it just guilt-reduction on their part and makes no difference at all to their position?
Or is it evidence that they are finally doing some work to look inward and realising that we are not the 'problem'?
Trying not to mind-read, but I would love to hear from others about their experiences of spouses' apologies (don't want to hijack, though!).
yes NLW - i find myself asking exactly the same thing. i don't ever remember him making sincere apologies - in fact, i used to get pissing mad because no matte what he did, for him to apologize was just not happening. in fact even after admitting whatever, he chose to continue a fight or argument rather than just say a quick sincere sorry and get on with life.
and now his apologies seem really thought out - he doesn't say sorry and leave it at that - he explains exactly what he is sorry about - and i find that quite mind-blowing to hear it coming from his mouth
hopefully the vets here will chime in and help us out?
maybe it doesn't mean much, maybe it's a baby step - hey in my case it feels like a giant step (grin!)
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
He says it a little more passive-aggressively though: "I'm afraid of you". It makes me look like some sort of dom violence perpetrator.
Not sure what to make of these sorts of apologies. Is it just guilt-reduction on their part and makes no difference at all to their position?
Or is it evidence that they are finally doing some work to look inward and realising that we are not the 'problem'?
Trying not to mind-read, but I would love to hear from others about their experiences of spouses' apologies (don't want to hijack, though!).
Interesting NLW. My H is the same way. Says he is afraid of me. I always thought he was passive-aggressive too, so thanks for highlighting that as another action to put in that category.
My H also apology in the last explosion - having to do with finances. I appreciate it since they at least take stock, but ultimately, I need to see the long term action.
hey thanks yankee candle - i do think i believe that myself!!
i will tell you, though, even though i wrote all that so calmly here - the conversations was really hard to get through - i think my voice did break at one point, afterwards i think i was a bit in shock ad was waiting to fall apart and get really overwhelmed, but i found myself stopping and saying well are you going to over the wall react or just stay calm and get on with things, i did go over to my friends and cry a bit - but not even that much!!
i am really focusing on manifesting and just letting the universe direct me and what i need
"move to a better feeling thought" - every time i have a negative or down thought about our sitch - i say that to myself and then do it - it's helping me a lot to stay in the positive vibe
hope you're well zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
It appears that when the WAS feels they are going to be in an uncomfortable sitch, they work themselves up and basically fire warning shots across the bow.
so KD - one of my dilemmas during all these months is about "uncomfortable-ness" for the WAS.
is it good DB'ing to let them feel uncomfortable ? once in a while?
i have tried not to let him feel the discomfort( as in not pointing out the effects of what he is doing constantly) , seeing it in the way that if i make him uncomfortable then he continually associates a negative feeling with me.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
It is good DBing to be you... and if the spouse is uncomfortable... it's not our place to "save" them...
You've written so much (catching up)... and so much great stuff... I'd ask you to re-read what you have written over the next week or two... there's a lot of great stuff that you've picked up and can keep moving forward with...
So, it's not your job to make him feel uncomfortable... although it's not your job to save him, either...
While tempering your volatile nature, don't put out that fire if it is part of who you are... and I think it is... just allow it to glow more when it needs to... and be more warm and inviting as necessary...
I think you mentioned that was a part of you when you first started with your H... I wonder if that is part of what your H was attracted to... that he would have seen it as "spunk" and a challenge...
When's the last time you think your H has made you happy? That he's actually KNOWN that you were happy because of him?
Yes I did read that you thought maybe MLC was a part of this.
That is something that only you can decide.
Age has little to do with MLC believe it or not. I know we hear the jokes and stories about men in their 50's suddenly buying red convertibles and meeting a twenty something woman...
Throughout our lives we go through transition/adjustments at each different level of maturity we reach. Some of us handle it with no problem, some of us have a little difficulty but make it through, and some of us end up in crisis mode.
There are resources in the MLC forum if you want to read more about it.
You sound like you are beginning to find your way through this and that is wonderful.
As far as the apologies...
They will apologize and sometimes it seems sincere. Sometimes it doesn't. They are not totally oblivious in all of this. They don't intentionally want to hurt us. However, I believe that when they feel (have the impression) that we are hanging on even a little, they go into fight mode in order to push us further away. As if being cruel will drive the point home.
Anyway, I hope you have a good day.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
i read through yours last night but didn't post either. i'm glad to see that you were able to say certain things to your w which were weighing on you - i'm beginning to get to a similar point, where i am not so concerned about "protecting" the situation any longer
yes we are all still standing - sometimes a bit wobbly but we are upright. it's good to feel that way
hope you're having a wonderful day, and if you're not - then just start having one
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
