I can't thank you all enough for all of your thoughtful responses. Your general insight and also sharing of your own situations really helps a lot. I know my self-esteem really took a hit during the time I was a SAHM. Little by little I'm rebuilding me. Working is helping a lot. Learning new things, being appreciated and paid feels great. The loneliness is still hard. I miss the phone calls throughout the day and a hug at the end. I miss sleeping peacefully knowing we're all home and safe.

You're right about no contact. After talking to him Friday I was a mess. It didn't help that he hung up on me when I disagreed with him. I felt abandoned all over again. I'm beyond the tears once again and just want to keep my distance from him so I don't backslide. He is in the typical MLC pattern of being nice then becoming hateful. One minute he tells me how happy he is for me that I got a good job, not for financial reasons, but for my own self worth (Really??? I thought this was all about finances.) Then he tells me we wouldn't be in this situation if only I had worked. Now it's all my faullt, but a month ago it was equal. In fact, he thought it was more his fault. And on, and on.

KML, you're likely right about an OW and it's probably a matter of time before i find out about her. (Months ago he used our bank account to order Viagra - that stung. When I confronted him he jokingly said "you never know when you need to be ready.") I believe that's what's behind his sudden rush for a divorce. I just feel devasted when I consider that so I try not to go there. Maybe that would be for the best. It seems relationships outside of the M are often the wakeup call that WS's need. Things might be blissful at first, but it won't take long before there are expectations and demands. I've been tempted to hire a PI (has anyone done this?)' but what would be the point?

Putting all of this aside, I've been busy in the yard and will start doing house projects as I can afford them. Those are true pasions. (If only I were a celebrity, I could focus on renovating my beach house.) I cook and bake a lot, too. I'm finding it difficult to fit in my sports, but I'm making that a priority over cleaning going forward. I would like to return to counseling since I really like the person that I was seeing, but I can't afford it right now. In the meantime, I'm so grateful to all of you who take the time to educate and comfort me even though you're dealing with your own pain. I also have lots of friends who, thankfully, aren't sick of me yet. It's so crazy, but I feel like celebrating when I go for any period of time without thinking about my H. I'm looking forward to entire days of not feeling the burden of this.